Yep, it’s a bit rocky again out of the blue. There’s a surprise. Not. I was reading an article about bullying and it reminded me of a lot of things.if you survive if, it’s difficult not to become that thing yourself when you misguidedly think your just trying to protect yourself. And I get triggered easily. I can often control it for a while. Months maybe then some random event sets me off, like an encounter with a footpad jumping from the shadows.

I make music for myself but also for people I will never meet most of the time. Maybe they get the best part of the deal as they can imagine me as a far better person than I actually am with out the stress of having to interact with me face to face. I get feedback from them and unlike me, my music travels around a lot of the english speaking world and also beyond it at times. It’s something that I may well still be able to do if I live past the point where I can comfortably stagger out to gigs if I dont go totally gaga. It makes me happier then I would be if I didn’t do it, so I have a bit of a sense of purpose to life. I suppose if I had actually got anywhere near the conventional idea of success I would have have been really insufferable, though I maybe in any case 🙂

I do keep a diary of my mood and what I do during the day too as it helps me keep a bit of a grip on things. its most useful when my mood is very low and I have routines to keep going when i have zero motivation to do anything at all. I do run the risk of staring into space if I am not careful when I am in that zone.

I wish I had the energy to start a band to do some of my own original music in a live format, but I just don’t have the energy to organise it now.

Getting out of bed and recording at home is nothing like having to:
#1 Convince people to play the music you write
#2 Find people that actually have the time and ability to do it
#3 Organise rehearsals at places that everybody can actually get to
#4 Convince people to play what you actually want them to play (not turning say a piano ballad into a blues tune because the song has too many chords)
#5 people that are good but only want to play in a very restricted and limited style, for example will play rock but not if it drifts in to say world music or jazz influence

The list could go to about a #100 but you get my drift. Also need to be local….
It’s the managing to make it possible rather than the playing that is the hard part.

When I was in my 20s to 30’s I can honestly say I lived a fairly sheltered life. But when a set of circumstances caused me to change to a very different sort of working environment I was slowly but surely exposed to many challenges about how I thought the world was, as opposed to how it actually is or was. My eyes and ears were opened. Even now though I am still stunned by much that I see and hear from supposedly educated people. Times and circumstances changed and new lessons were learned. At least in my case I believe, but perhaps it is not the same for others? And it’s difficult to have any sort of reasoned discussion with anyone quite often now. Also facts are considered to be subjective and mutable now and the thing called alternate truth which apparently exists now. It’s difficult for me to really clearly define what is happening as my vocabulary often feels inadequate when I respond. I am always worried that my comments might be misinterpreted and misunderstood.

There seem to be so many fake profiles on facebook now. I have just seen one with a verified tick but the profile name bears no relation to the url? Bot perhaps or good old fashioned troll.

Due to a set of unexpected circumstances’ I find I have a rather low key week ahead. I will try and make use of it somehow though if I can. I am keeping up the usual routine as much as I can.