Monthly Archives: February 2019

February 2019 epilogue

Well weird weather or what. Pleasant enough but rather disconcerting. Is it global warming or a statistical aberration?

I have been going full on creatively since Christmas and have now come to a hiatus. There is stuff to be done but a definite lack of momentum. In part I think because I am getting a lot of negative news from friends and acquaintances mostly due to the current situation with the UK. It hasn’t yet affected me directly yet but may well cause plans having to be altered later in the year.

So what have I been doing?. Writing and recording music, fixing up a couple of old violins which has been very satisfying and just attempting to plow on regardless. I have also been working on a couple of websites for people. One finished but not yet live and the other waiting for content. Live music has been mostly good too with some decent gigs which have been fun. There is a sort of magic when everyone plays well together.

We are still waiting on the results for the Mrs who has had an ECG and hoping that it will not be anything too serious. She had a 24 hour ecg too.

Other than that I have experienced what I can only describe as a fairly big loss of confidence and a rise in anxiety over the last couple of months. I feel as if I am going backwards a bit at present. My situation before moving was a bit fragile financially and was causing me concern. Now things are stable so I don’t have that particular worry in the same way and as long as I don’t develop a drug habit or some other addiction I should be OK. The odd thing is I feel just as anxious as ever though. I have no idea what that’s all about though but my confidence is seriously lacking now. It feels like some sort of reaction to my previous stress levels, almost like a hangover.

As I have mentioned before i have mostly what you would call acquaintances rather than friends and I am not good at small talk. That makes it difficult to fit in. I need to make an effort to be a little more sociable, but it’s not that easy if you don’t quite fit. And the truth is I don’t. Also I think I might actually be just a tiny bit boring We have in our heads notional ideas of what we thought we wanted and if we are lucky we may achieve some of those ambitions and I have managed to tick quite a few of the items on my personal todo lists. That’s cool of course. I have done a lot of things that I thought I never would. But my head is in a strange place with a vague dread of everything.

My only course is to just to try and carry on until I can again bask in a bit of mental sunshine. I have been here before and it’s cyclical. You hit a low and eventually you work your way out of it. I was on antidepressants for many years and they helped but did not fix the problem. So eventually I stopped. To be honest I felt just the same. I think that at a certain point if you are not actually in crisis they don’t help much.

I have been pleasantly surprised as an indian violin which was gifted to me that needing a bit of TLC has turned out to be a very good instrument indeed. A bit of minor DIY has got it up and running and it has a very rich tone. Not only that but it actually looks pretty good too. I have just started playing it in and maybe it will get some live use soon too.

I need to record something with it to get a real idea of its abilities.