Monthly Archives: May 2019

I think it’s all downhill from here

Well it’s been a rather shit month or so. The death of a close friend was the worst thing of course, but the future’s looking a bit bleak right now in all directions.
We boldly went as far as we could but I am not convinced that there’s much further to go. Maybe I am out of fuel.

I will give it my best shot. Then if that’s all there is well at least I tried. My heads spinning at the moment and I am lurching between weird burst of unrealistic optimism and huge lows. I don’t have the confidence required to succeed. Its hidden itself somewhere deep down in a dusty corner of my psyche and its not coming out to play today.

So if that’s the case all good things as they say….


‘I am one who loved not wisely but too well.’

(Othello Act 5, Scene 2)

‘We have seen better days.’

(Timon of Athens Act 4, Scene 2)

At the last

Friday was our memorial/Celebration of Vicky’s life. It was a fairly tradition service much like a funeral but with a couple of musical interludes among the hymns and readings. We had several of Vicky’s friends speak and the service was given a fairly light touch. It’s a sort final full stop. Pause and then think about what comes next. I played one piece on Violin and sang one song at the Piano which was a particular favorite of Vicky’s. It was a little bit intense, as one does not usually play to an audience’s where one knows every member of it and most of them are predominantly professional musicians, so rather nerve racking. Also the drive from Bedford went slightly wrong as we pulled into South Mimms services and then found that due to an incident it is almost impossible to get back on the motorway, but luck prevailed in the end and we got there with about 5 minutes to spare. 

It was unusual as Alison came with me and many introductions were made though Alison did know a few of our musical family from the last 15 years but also many new faces among the gathering. Afterwards we went to one of Vicky’s favorite places “The Little Green Dragon” which was the local and is a micro pub selling Real Ales, Craft Beers and also Gins. I had been there quite a few times in the last year or so myself in the last couple of years. I spent about 3 hours chatting to various people some of who I had not seen for many years and some of my newer musical friends. It was a warm occasion, but strange to think that our personal journeys with Vicky were now over and done with. 

Then after about 3 hours in the pub it was back to Bedford via the pretty route. 

Today whilst writing this I am absolutely shattered again. 

Vicky had made a reconciliation with the church in the months running up to the final bow having not been in a church for many years either at the pulpit as a minister or as a member of the congregation. The Ministers Mark and Melanie only knew Vicky for the last few months of her life. Vicky was going to start a discussion group to debate theology and metaphysics at the “little Green Dragon” and both Mark and Melanie are not only music fans but also Real Ale afficenardos too. During the service the position of LGBT people of faith was spoken of too and the fact that some churches though not all were much more inclusive. 

Vicky’s most recent conversation had been along the lines of attending a sunday service soon. Sadly that never happened. 

Vicky’s most photographed hat was placed as a centerpiece during the ceremony. I decided to present the hat to the “Little Green Dragon” where it will reside in pride of place next to a picture of Vicky on the wall.