Somewhere there has to be one sensible non-partisan non gaslighting person you would think , but actually no. I really do despair of people making excuses for appalling behaviour, but hey what do I know. Obviously nothing in my 62 and a bit years of existence. But hey that’s life.
What your best friends won’t tell you…
So I did some stuff…
Well times been rushing by since my last blog here. Recent events have floored me to be honest and I am questioning my motivation for some of the things I am doing. I have been making efforts to get the music side of my life sorted out, but even now I am not sure if i’m actually doing the right thing. I have a very enthusiastic new musical collaborator working with me now. And that potentially could be very good indeed. It will take a while to get back to resuming normal service though.
I woke up very early today as my minds buzzing a bit at present. Not the greatest state to be in as I am trying o figure the best way to approach a few things. There has been a bit of positive news which has given me a bit of a boost.
We did our first proper as in “typical pub gig” last week without vicky and it was OK. It did feel very weird. When you have played with the same person for nearly 16 years in total, and there’s an empty spot beside you it’s really very weird.
There have been a few practical issues to get around too, and I am not entirely sure how to deal with those but I will try my best.
I am still feeling an all pervading emptiness that is not likely to fade anytime soon by the looks of it. My nerves are also slightly fried.
My partner is supportive and can see I am really struggling to come to terms with everything but there is nothing to be done.
Also there is something in the air. The world is stripped raw and at this time I see people very clearly for what they are, and it’s not always pleasant with some of them.
So many people carry resentments and petty hates with them as baggage.
I have lost faith in the world and I did not have much to start with. There are a few loyal friends that stand out as beacons of hope though. My new start in a new home has helped me move on in some respects, but I what I need is a sort of spiritual and mental cleansing to go with the practical side of things to make the change to a different more positive way of being.
I have felt totally exhausted for this past week. Basically I am still very much in the midst of the grieving process. And I realise that I had been trying to make everything normal when it can never been obviously the way things were. I still feel quite numb.
So I have been doing the usual stuff, writing, practicing, recording plus a bit of staring into space too. Plus trying to keep reasonably active as well. I am not overweight, but have a rather annoying bit of a belly that needs a reduction, so I shall cut down on my drinking. I don’t drink much but in the last couple of months I have drunk a little more than normal, and it’s all gone straight to my tummy.
I did an accidental mostly solo gig. I haven’t actually done a solo gig for about 20 years ish. It was supposed to be a duo but hey. I Might be an idea to do a few of those perhaps. I am beginning to get my mojo back now which is cool. A friend who was there live streamed some of it on facebook and it was not too rough considering. My nerves were a bit wonky though, as the gig was at what used to be Vicky’s local(getting there involves driving past the old flat), so a bit weird but I got through assisted by a couple of pints of Real Ale.
I introduced our new “Delta Lady”. She came up to play a couple of numbers at the end.
On Thursday a day spent rehearsing and working out material Lorraine and I am very pleased with the way that it is going. I won’t be rushing back into loads of gigs as we need to get rehearsed and run in a bit though we have a few in the book. Also I am still in space cadet territory mentally. I am mostly OK, but things spring into you head and remind you.
I have started taking Vitamin B complex tablets as I have felt a bit run down. They seem to be helping.
“Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear,
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.”