I am getting crazier by the minute I think.  Yesterday was a good day, but today I am back in the world of weird big time. My anxiety is getting worse  day by day. I am note keeping it together terribly well at all. Its pretty much your actual existential dread.
I am running on instinct now. 

I am in my room surrounded by all my toys, materialy I have everything I need. But right now as the sun goes down I feel pretty empty. I have a track waiting for a vocal which I can’t bring myself to start singing on. Friday and Saturday nights in particular are often when I feel at my lowest ebb. Gig nights and no gigs and also of course absent friends. When does one ever stop missing people? Perhaps never I suspect.

I know the world is still turning and people are carrying on because I have seen it but sometimes it feels like everything is ended.  

I just watched a live webcast of a friend (jan Ayes) funeral.  She among many things ran the Waltham Abbey Folk Club and gave the Delta Ladies a bit of  a helping hand via her good offices.  

Anyway here’s a song about moving on. Figuratively or literally. Its a got a bit of fiddle on it too….

The rolling stones song chorus says that but continues with “but sometime , you get what you need”.  I hope you have all had what you need at least. I got what I needed from Amazon LOL. It was not very exciting though, but was useful.  The suns been out today and thats been pleasant and the trees are starting to wake up now though its a later spring than last year.  I seem to be able to keep myself occupied and have a little more motivation in the last week.  I hope this continues.  I do feel out on limb though without much face to face contact with anyone I know. And also of course my go to people for advice have now sadly gone.  Also I could do with a little less of the aches and pains which really does not  help much either. Sometimes they are a real nuisance as at the time of writing this unfortunately.

Just sorted out my wheel bolts on the car as I seem to have lost one on the front RHD wheel. I am not sure when that happened but it could a have been a while back. I may have been driving like that for months. I did notice a slight vibration on turning and reversing on full lock which might well have been related.  Due to events at the time  my due diligence seemed to have gone AWOL.  I seem to have got away with it fortunately as I have not been doing many miles due to lack of work and lockdown  

Yesterday I did another release to spotify and amazon and a few other streaming services.  So I am just about keeping myself active. Some days are hard work with regard to motivation. Others are a bit of a pain but that’s life I guess.  My exercise regime is having some results  but its also exhausting and some of the back and posture ones are a bit painful at times after wards which can be a bit discouraging.  They have as aside effect improved my mood and given me  a little more energy to get on with things again.   

Covid-19 is still far from over, but you would think in many ways that the dangers passed.  Hopefully for many it has of course,  but it feels far too early to get complacent about risk.  So far I have not actually been out to meet anyone for drink or similar. So I don’t feel that too much is changed yet. More importantly I can’t go forward with anything  new yet.   i am not to sure how healthy I really  am either.
That’s dented my confidence rather more than I expected.