Just by chance I happened to open an old diary from 1985 and it felt open on a significant page. The end of a somewhat odd relationship with a girl who had Bi-Polar. At the time I was not aware of the devastating effect that Bi-Polar has on peoples lives and I had not identified my the nature of my own mental problems either.
I worked back through the diary and discovered that the relationship had lasted 6 months almost to the day. I suspect that there were many reasons why it did not work out but I have no doubt that one of them was simply my being far too needy. Also to be honest I was not terribly interesting company in those days and may well have seemed very boring indeed. If I had been able to meet me then I would I think have found someone with very limited horizons doing a dead end job that was easily amused and incredibly naive and also in complete denial of their own nature.
What is strange to me is that I should find out 25 years later that she had taken her own life a few years after I knew her as I had always imagined her as the kind of person that would have succeeded at most things she wanted to do…
Things are not quite going the way I expected on the whole.It’s coming up to 2 year’s since I left the Civil Service and nothing has gone as I planed. I have learned a lot and mostly I feel less stressed and apart from a few minor lows I have not had any re-occurrence of serious depression but the plans I hoped to put in to action to support myself have flopped quite badly.
I have achieved quite a few things that I am proud of including:
National Radio play for one of my Glass Cage songs
Local radio play for Elephant Shelf
Performing in a fringe festival
Performing regularly as an accompanist in a west end venue
Singing lead vocals live with a band regularly
Telling jokes as part of the duo act
Recording and mastering a CD for Elephant Shelf and getting 1100 pressed
Playing at some very well known and respected venues
I could go on, its been quite a learning curve so on a personal level it’s been good and worth doing but financially its not going well.
I had hoped to do some IT freelancing but on the last project I got unwell and had to stop though ironically I seem to be functioning better than ever now. But I fall apart under any sort of pressure. There has to be something that I can do to make up the short fall financially without cracking up again.