Category Archives: Delta Ladies

Learned Hopelessness

I mostly just mumble a bit about depression and mental health mixed in with other stuff on this blog. But I thought it worth saying a little bit about my own personal experience now as an older adult. There is a different flavour to things without the extremes of mood but rather its more the case that things are very dull or flavourless rather than existential angst now. But it’s also a feeling of hopelessness too.

I was on antidepressants for a very long time. Around 15 to 20 years and eventually I got fed up with some of the behavioural effects that they had on me. Then I had a “Camalot” period where music became my career for around 20 years and there was stress but also a lot of good times too. Then due to a bereavement and not being able to continue the band due to the covid lockdown. I emerged blinking into the light back at base camp. Last year I had a bit of a health scare, that might have reduced my mobility. I have been trying to be positive on the music front but this year I feel like giving up a little bit now. Also like everybody else financial constraints have stopped me doing a lot of stuff. Most ventures turn into unproductive dead ends and damp squibs. Everything has changed and their does not seem to be a slot to fit into anymore for me. Of course maybe I just can’t adapt sufficiently. This last year I have felt pretty much as though there is just nowhere to go with it all anymore and to be honest pretty useless. So maybe that’s it and I am done. It is tempting to go back to taking SSRIs. Maybe I should just give up and go back on the drugs again. They do reduce inhibition so that alone could make life a bit more interesting or even exciting in unexpected ways as it certainly did on a few occasions in the past. Though I am not entirely sure that’s what I need right now 🙂

What is the best polite way to deflect ill judged or bad advice that is offered with the best intention without causing offence to the doner. I have been reminded today that some as we get older adopt a notion of ageing that is very limiting. Of course some people are struck down with dreadful illnesses and afflictions, but for those that aren’t please don’t give up just yet. Also try not to re-enforce or promulgate negative stereotypes. Do not go gentle…. Of course it helps if you have a reasonably open mind as a starting place. Maybe I need to get a punch bag?

I am working on a new track titled “Maybe It’s Aliens” although of course it never is. And my head hurts a bit now. Ok maybe it is aliens after all…

Mental Health Days

Yep, it’s a bit rocky again out of the blue. There’s a surprise. Not. I was reading an article about bullying and it reminded me of a lot of things.if you survive if, it’s difficult not to become that thing yourself when you misguidedly think your just trying to protect yourself. And I get triggered easily. I can often control it for a while. Months maybe then some random event sets me off, like an encounter with a footpad jumping from the shadows.

I make music for myself but also for people I will never meet most of the time. Maybe they get the best part of the deal as they can imagine me as a far better person than I actually am with out the stress of having to interact with me face to face. I get feedback from them and unlike me, my music travels around a lot of the english speaking world and also beyond it at times. It’s something that I may well still be able to do if I live past the point where I can comfortably stagger out to gigs if I dont go totally gaga. It makes me happier then I would be if I didn’t do it, so I have a bit of a sense of purpose to life. I suppose if I had actually got anywhere near the conventional idea of success I would have have been really insufferable, though I maybe in any case 🙂

I do keep a diary of my mood and what I do during the day too as it helps me keep a bit of a grip on things. its most useful when my mood is very low and I have routines to keep going when i have zero motivation to do anything at all. I do run the risk of staring into space if I am not careful when I am in that zone.

I wish I had the energy to start a band to do some of my own original music in a live format, but I just don’t have the energy to organise it now.

Getting out of bed and recording at home is nothing like having to:
#1 Convince people to play the music you write
#2 Find people that actually have the time and ability to do it
#3 Organise rehearsals at places that everybody can actually get to
#4 Convince people to play what you actually want them to play (not turning say a piano ballad into a blues tune because the song has too many chords)
#5 people that are good but only want to play in a very restricted and limited style, for example will play rock but not if it drifts in to say world music or jazz influence

The list could go to about a #100 but you get my drift. Also need to be local….
It’s the managing to make it possible rather than the playing that is the hard part.

Well I did Try Honestly I Did

Well, from the live music side of things I seem to be a little stuck. I have a few gigs with various people, but sadly nothing regular enough and it’s quite depressing to be honest. I can’t see it getting any better really either. There is just not enough going on. I am going to make another effort to try and see if I can get something local going though to bulk it out a bit. Last best hope I guess. So folks keep your fingers crossed as I am running out of steam now pretty much, and the less I do the harder it seems to get. Conversely my limitations due to health at times also frustrate me so getting a balance is hard.

New tune below:

Today in another place I experienced a bit of anger from a turkey voting for christmas. It happens a lot. These people are best left alone it seems. Well I l always think deaths bony fingers resting on my shoulder and of course it is, but who knows when that hand will lift and lightly tap to get my attention. Time does have a habit of running out on us. At the time of writing this it is the 80th anniversary of D-day. Lots of pomp and all that. We are now in much less optimistic times again and war is increased and stability of the world at risk again.
Perhaps we did forget?

What puzzles me is why so many of my age demographic (I am 67 though I wish I was younger 😉 ) constantly repost fake information? You would think if they were capable of using Facebook, they would also be capable of fact checking instead of just reposting fake stuff because it happens to fit their personal prejudices’.

I am not going to repeat what I just read on another thread which was just another trolling s*** stirring comment about asylum seekers. It saddens me because either the post was made out of complete ignorance or frankly some people are just basically neo fascists in waiting. Either way they seem allergic to facts. Ho Hum…