It’s still February and rehearsals continue with various musical ensembles and a few small scale live appearances scattered among them too. The sun’s been out a little more than usual for this time of year as well. I am also working on my solo material too. Nothing much else to report.
Fingers crossed we keep plodding along doing what we can. February is always hard work mentally for me. One foot in front of the other and easy does it.

Here is a new song for you. A rock tune and fairly straight forward one for a change.

I feel really tired today.I am not sure why. I think without realising it consciously much of what I do requires concentration, say when I am recording studio stuff. Maybe my brain gets more of a workout than I give it credit for at times? I must admit at present looking back on my Delta Ladies days as if it was a golden age, it was good but not so good that nothing more can be achieved. I loved playing live but I could do it in my sleep before. Now I am learning new stuff week in and week out. Its going OK but I do get a bit worried about cocking it up. Especially as everybody seems to think I am way better at it than I really am Yes, the nostalgia filter has a lot too answer for. Also, try as I might I feel I can’t be the same age as my contemporary’s until the aches and pains set in, but at that point I really know it. As I write this is is one of those days unfortunately. Odd but today as I write this a bit of anxiety has kicked in out of the blue. It does sneak up on you. Usually when you think you are doing ok.

Yes, it does. there is no escaping it.
This why beer and hobbits were invented/discovered.

It’s ok. Though things are not so bad at the moment I have at times very dark negative thoughts that must be managed somehow. When I feel like this I expect the universe to hand out some weird punishment aimed especially at me because I failed to do some good thing or was unkind in the past. These thoughts wash over me at times. Then they go away. This is my normal mental landscape and climate that I live my life in.

Funny thing re music. I never had any notions of a career, not even a minor one as I came to the party so late (48 years old). But I have done a bit and had fun.

Out again briefly today. I do seem much better with:
a) People and regular company
b) getting out more

If I don’t go out I get anxious, then I get anxious about going out….

I feel its not depression in the sense I used to experience it previously. It’s more like exhaustion and as though I had used up all my mental energy. My instinct is that it is in apart some sort of long term post covid effect as it feels different.

At present I am just finding it more difficult to keep cheery at home. I have actually done a huge amount of recording stuff here during Lockdown and so forth. About 200 different songs and instrumentals over maybe 2 and a half years. I am sort of saturated a bit at present with it all. Imagine how many canvases that would be if one were a painter. A shed full of paintings. That’s why yesterday’s trip out to the shops was actually quite enjoyable. It’s just having too much of my own company I suspect. Its worse when one has been out a bit. Also winter short days send a signal to hibernate.

I have been feeling a bit morose today. Weird as I have had some good days recently, but thats me and how my life is basically. Push on through the bad sticky, days and enjoy the good ones.
Hard to believe I have been a Bedfordshire bumpkin for 5 years now too. Occasionally I do miss London but I haven’t been back to my old turf at all really. No further south than Enfield in fact.

I have been out and played live a few times last month which as given my spirits a bit of a lift.
Also I have entered a song writing competition (for geriatric crusty people) which is something I have never done before, or if I have I don’t remember it . You never know, I might win a gift voucher or something? A year’s supply of baked beans maybe….