Today I had a severe anxiety attack having not had a bad one for a few years. i am wrecked. I have been trying to reboot my life a bit and its likely to fail spectacularly. It seems that in the last few years everything I have done has been a series of false starts and stuff that has just broken or been to ill conceived and on far too shakier a foundation to flourish. I need other people to function, but people that are open and not shady devious individuals or malicious manipulators. But now as I write this I feel out to lunch and scared and weird. I just can’t shift that feeling right now. The last time I had a really bad episode I was home alone and it was during the lockdown. So I went out for a walk on a hot day and eventually felt Ok. Today not so much.

To the extent that I have seriously considered retiring from live music apart from the odd special event. I just feel too insecure about stuff at the moment and I worry that I won’t be able to get back on the bus again. I think I have made the mistake of trying to fit in a little too much this year and that’s made me a bit fed up as its got me nowhere, then it’s made me angry and frustrated as well. I have tried to be cool when people have behaved like arseholes when I should have said enough already. And I have allowed others to undervalue me or disrespect me and said OK fine, but it’s and I would not I hope do that to others.

I should have taken a harder perhaps more risky road in some of my endeavors, but I got too comfortable and as hey I had an income and its cool, so I kind of gave up on what I really cared about.Failing is not the worst thing and I have shrunk my comfort zone down to zero. And I may just have left things too late. I have kind of put myself in a box… To fit in but then you realise others just don’t care about things the way you do or consider then important. I have been backing the wrong horse basically and I feel betrayed somewhat but perhaps by myself in this case. I think in a way its almost like being in a cult. I am obsessed with music and people that are not in my tribe and cult followers might well consider it madness… Music was my church then perhaps? Perhaps it is a form of madness. Who knows. This is one day and maybe tomorrow will be different of course. I don’t like to mention the mental problems I do have but equally I have to accommodate them in daily life of course and today I just couldn’t find a way to mitigate them to be honest. All my usual tricks and rouses and diversions simply didn’t work.

So far this week has been a bit crap. I am wobbling a bit at the moment as the bipolar thing can make indulge in risky behaviours (and in my case that would not be buying an expensive musical instrument) and I seem to be in that zone at present. I just stopped myself from doing something a bit daft that could have been a short term gain but potentially long term misery. A close call.

Got lots of aches and pains today (weather perhaps), but I am feeling a lot calmer. I think part of my anxiety might also have been triggered by straining a chest muscle/Sternum which I have done before. You hurt something and get in to a cycle of shallow breathing and off you go. I have a mystery bruise just above my left boob and I have even cracked ribs in the past without knowing it at the time. But I have got to be more honest about stuff that goes on in my head even at the risk of potentially losing a friend or too along the way. Ducking and diving doesn’t work all the time.

I am finding it difficult to accept my limitations and its a a bit of time for a reckoning and trying to come to terms with it all, You may have heard me say that before perchance.

Making music with other humans is what is missing for me. That is why working with the Invisibles is so important even though we hardly gig we are at least interacting and creating something. If I needed money I would do IT in some aspect but frankly I don’t. If i was gigging regularly I would get a new car to cart people and gear around in but no gigs means no point. I could pay about £150 a month to get a decent motor. People that used to offer me gigs don’t anymore as they cant get anything. Looking back over the last 4 years my live music performances have really just withered away to nothing relatively speaking. That’s got me very depressed too.

What’s happening?

I have talked to several people about the not being able to find people to work with problem. They all say the same thing nobody is interested. I am in touch with a really good percussionist/drummer (all styles and has worked with allsorts) and it seems people just cant be arsed he said. You get in touch you chat and then they just don’t follow through? BTW its not an age thing or a trans thing as you don’t disclose that and it seems to affect every age group.

Out of a working life of nearly 55 years paying my stamp as they used to call it from the age of 15 I really only earned decent money for about 8 years out of the 13 at the Civil service. Most of my life I have never had an much of an income and by my standards I am wealthy on my 2 pensions.. I could buy more instruments or a car of course. But money was never a motivation for anything for me.I know a lot of creatives from artists to alsorts who basically managed to buy a home and then it all becomes irrelevant if you have enough to live on. I have accrued money from music (gigs plus PRS/PPL).

There’s no fix for this other than meeting a musician/creative type that’s up for treading the boards in a room with breathing, possibly drunken and smelly, shouty people ♥ The thing is working with anyone on music requires engagement and some sort of comment and most people I meet seem to be poseurs and dilitantys. Music that I have written and recorded is played all around the world and it earns me a little money every year and so If I never played another payed gig that doesn’t really change my status or my history.

I am not rejecting anyone other than on grounds of total lack of ability by which I mean cant sing in tune or play in time and sadly there are a lot of those. You can be an unpaid amatuer and totally brilliant and in the case of folk music particularly perhaps played publically a lot but bit mostly not for a fee. The main difference between Musicians and pros is one gets paid for what they do. Its only at the top with sight reading session and orchestral players that there is a very,very high standard but a lot of of pros don’t have that ability in the rock and pop world. Jazz guys usually have the technique and theory but never get paid for anything except teaching usually. I am not chasing paid work I am looking for people that want make music and maybe be a bit creative.If no one’s interested I will just go further into promoting on line with video and so forth. I do not intend to stop playing and creating by choice.

“How would your personal identity as ” professional musician ” be impacted by a choice of ” no financial aspect”?”

A friend asked this question recently. Well I have as have many others always done some stuff for free to promote or genuine charity stuff. I use professional in the sense that they are not an arsehole and can play and have the motivation to do stuff. It’s about attitude really.

I love my new couch, if only it was real.

There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

William Shakespeare

Its September. It was always a favorite month of mine.
I hope for a few good things may happen with the change of season. rather than just the colour of the leaves. Hope springs infernal and the devil makes work for idle minds. Well I have I confess I have found it so quite often.
I have shot a few arrows in to the blue these past few days and I hope that one will find the gold perchance. The business of finding new people for musical ventures is something I have not done for many years. So I need to use my best resource management head to see what I can make of it all and preferably not a mess.

That dream you were chasing, how is it working out for you?

If you can and its within your power let everyone have that little special moment in the sun or in the spotlight and try and tread lightly on those dreams..

That’s all folks.

I am getting weirder and weirder thoughts everyday now and my judgement is well off so I must beware of risky behaviours.
One day at a time. I have a bit of crazy in my head at present to be honest. I am Ok but my judgement is a bit wonky. A little bit irrational So I shall avoid making any sudden moves so to speak. Asking “what is the point?” is one of the most profoundly human things you can do. It usually happens when the scripts we’ve been given—work hard, buy things, repeat—start to feel hollow. There is no single, universally agreed-upon answer pre-written in the stars. Instead, how you answer this question depends entirely on the lens you choose to look through.

Thanks Google but that didn’t help much..

..1. The Existential Lens: “You Write the Script”

Philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre argued a concept called existence precedes essence. This means you were born first (you exist), and it is up to you to define who you are and what matters (your essence).

• The Point: There is no inherent point built into the universe, which means you are entirely free to assign your own meaning to it. You are the author, not a character reading someone else’s lines.

2. The Absurdist Lens: “Embrace the Chaos”

Albert Camus famously noted that humans have a desperate desire for meaning in a universe that offers none. He called this “the Absurd.” His solution wasn’t to despair, but to rebel against the meaninglessness by living anyway—with passion, freedom, and irony.

• The Point: The fact that nothing matters externally means the pressure is off. You can enjoy the coffee, the sunset, or a good book simply because they taste, look, or feel good right now, without needing them to serve a grander cosmic purpose.

3. The Biological Lens: “Keep the Chain Going”

Well I do appreciate it though old chum.