Well I am stil wandering in the wilderness figuratively speaking and possibly on the road to nowhere even though my GPS hints otherwise at times.

An observation:

I keep track of my moods and what not. I am beginning to think there is almost no corelation with events in my personal life. This week everything I was expecting to do has basically been cancelled pretty much so a tad disappointing but I am in a reasonable state of mind and plodding on with my usual stuff. This year seems to be perhaps one where my personal fields must lay fallow maybe? At present everything I have tried to pursue in terms of music collaborations seem to pretty much going nowhere apart from that which I do myself without others. I note many others seem to be saying the same thing, and in particular folks of my age. Often due to them not having the energy or fitness and health issues. I am starting to try and curate some of my own songs for eventual performance live. I have a very large back catalogue but most of it is not written down and lives in the recordings. That will take a while so its a background slow and steady task. Maybe next year will be better if I am spared, but I am not going to fight it. The winds just not blowing my way at present.

Another thought that has struck me is simply this. What if I don’t shuffle off this mortal coil for a few years. I didn’t have a plan for that? What I need to do is go back to focusing on what I create and if others want to get involved great. That is not to say I will turn down any sensible gig offers of course. I think maybe coming to a sort of acceptance may be helping me cope with stuff a little better now. It just feels as if the stars are not aligned or something similar. Its not logical but feelings and instincts should not be ignored to much from my live experience to date. I have just been using the NHS in depth mental health assessment tool. Took ages to find it. According to it I do not have depression but I have PTSD and anxiety related to it. It suggests I should get help. I think that makes much more sense.

That PTSD thing, I think I am on to something there with regard to recent anxiety this year and that weird sense of doom. I have been trying to hang on to former status/reputation and guess what. You cant bank status or reputation and keep it to spend later or earn interest on it. That was what was, and with it a big chunk of my life just stopped. Nobody else is going to understand that really. Sorry for your loss and all that… My confidence just kept going down hill since then. Its hit rock bottom now so hopefully it can start to improve again. I think I have actually sort of come to a halt. Weirdly out of the blue an extra couple of gigs for later in the year have popped up like mushrooms. Maybe though this is the bottom of the valley and I get to go climb back up the mountain but its a a different one this time.