I can list a fair amount of personal ‘Bests’ that I am quite proud of but you cant live in memory’s most of the time. This year for me having OK days feels more important than ever, rather than looking for anything intangible in the future. I am changing in my outlook.
I just kind of plough on doing my one thing really, music. I have dabbled in other vices, I used to do a bit of photography and I have always doodled artistically a little. As you may also surmise I used to read a lot in the past. I have also read far to much on Psychiatric/Psychology stuff. Plus I used to do proper computer stuff (programming and whatnot) and I have an honorary degree in Hypochondria Medicine….
Manageable is good. I have learnt my lesson in that regard really as couple of years back in 2023 I was trying to get about 6 different musical projects off the ground. Most of those crashed and burned apart the Boomers/Orchard and Jons lot. More than ever I say do what you enjoy and to a certain extent the future will take care of itself. Even Putin’s going to run out of road in a year or so… Its not much but having my music/room studio available when ever I need it has upped my quality of life. Its humble compared to what a lot of others have but its mine.
So as to my thought processes. With regard to music I write/create. An idea may come about on say the piano. I will write it down in a very simplified form so i dont forget it. I might not know it is going to be a song or instrumental music. I start playing with idea an it grows organically as I record parts and finds a form. It might take 3 hours or it might take a week. I might even work on something else in the gaps. I wouldn’t get up and think today I am going to write a protest song about Gaza, but I might include thoughts about in the lyrics but not explicitly. I kind of just flow through things then go back and revise them. I am a river flowing over and around and through things, rather than digging a ditch for the water to flow down.
I have had a rough day or two due to an arthritis flare up, but I have a few days that are undefined. I hate the fact that I can’t generally speaking do early morning stuff as that often puts the brake on some activity’s. I am amazed that I managed to get up for the Ferry’s and Le Shuttle on our french trips, but we did preload everything in the car the evening before pretty much so we were on the road by 9. But that was 9 years and more ago. If I had less day to day pain I would be able to do more of course and so might be more active and sociable generally. This years just been a bit more difficult on that front. Just finished the tune I was working on over 3 days. Quite pleased with it actually. Go me.
A certain slow rhythm has crept into my life and established itself. But the days are very similar at present.
I am not feeling that good really to be honest. I feel very isolated and somewhat threatened by malevolent forces that whilst they don’t yet affect the way I live may do. That’s my honest answer. For somebody like me that struggles with anxiety as well as bipolar everything I see chips away at my confidence or sours my enjoyment of things. It takes the colour out of life at present. So not good. Yesterday afternoon after going to the bank in Bedford I came home and sat in a chair and did nothing for about 3 hours. I did have a headache as well. Everything from Gaza to Ukraine to Trump to the resurgence of barely disguised neo-nationalism and the legitimised hate speech now starting to come from government is pretty depressing. The interpretation of the SC judgment by the EC commission is of course horrendous.
With that regard as I have said most older trans folk from my generation will not be complying with guidance. At some point there will be incidents I feel. I keep my faith in individuals but government has now lost my trust completely. To see video of labour politicians stating on video support for trans people whilst the election was on and now to hear those same politicians being either silent or like Starmer to say the polar opposite when in power has made me lose faith in notion of these people having any moral compass what so ever. So what’s the fucking point. They all sell out for the 30 pieces of silver in the end. At least Farage is honest. Vote for me and my new brown shirts and we will carry on where they left off.
Without PR there is no way to change anything. If the 16 year olds that do bother to vote in the next election do so in any significant number I wonder what they will vote for. The young people I meet I find to be mostly OK, but then they are likely to be music or arty creative types. I notice that trades people i have met dont drop a beat gas man and forth these days. So I would say day to day trans people are not perceived as partially noticeable or strange. You can tell from people’s facial expressions usually.
What I see in how people are in regard to their behaviours to me in the real world does not reflect what I see expressed on line. Is that passing privilege or nearly politeness or a bit of both? But the world feels a more hostile place generally. There was always double dealing and corruption in high places of course. I wonder what a post Trump world we be like. There is mass civil disobedience in the USA with regard to the ICE raids and a lot of farmers crops are rotting in the fields now as the illegals they relied on are not showing up. I watched videos where some farmers were shocked to find that they couldn’t hire black Americans to feel the gaps. Trumps rhetoric suggested that they would be mostly unemployed. Of course they are not. A lot of US towns are racially divided. So so places In Texas are mostly Hispanic. People out of the big city’s live very separately and don’t mix. These are regressive times. It seems to have started to change dramatically around 2015 onwards. In the UK Brexit has triggered allsorts of toxic stuff. So basically it’s the end of the enlightenment really. So things are not going to get better without a crisis of cataclysmic proportions.
Other than that every is fine.
I have expressed an interest in JCs new party as yet unnamed party.
“It’s time for a new kind of political party. One that belongs to you. The system is rigged. The system is rigged when 4.5 million children live in poverty in the sixth richest country in the world. The system is rigged when giant corporations make a fortune from rising bills. The system is rigged when this government says there is no money for the poor, but billions for war. We cannot accept these injustices – and neither should you. We will only fix the crises in our society with a mass redistribution of wealth and power. That means taxing the very richest in our society. That means an NHS free from privatisation and bringing energy, water, rail and mail into public ownership. That means investing in a massive council-house building programme. That means standing up to fossil fuel giants putting their profits before our planet. Meanwhile, millions of people are horrified by the government’s complicity in crimes against humanity. Now, more than ever, we must defend the right to protest against genocide. We believe in the radical idea that all human life has equal value. That is why we will keep demanding an end to all arms sales to Israel, and for the only path to peace: a free and independent Palestine”
Our movement is made up of people of all faiths and none. The great dividers want you to think that the problems in our society are caused by migrants or refugees. They’re not. They are caused by an economic system that protects the interests of corporations and billionaires. It is ordinary people who create the wealth – and it is ordinary people who have the power to put it back where it belongs.
It’s time for a new kind of political party. One that is rooted in our communities, trade unions and social movements. One that builds power in all regions and nations. One that belongs to you.
Sign up at www.yourparty.uk to be part of the founding process, leading to an inaugural conference. At this conference, you will decide the party’s direction, the model of leadership and the policies that are needed to transform society. That is how we build a democratic movement that can take on the rich and powerful – and win.
Real change is coming.
Jeremy Corbyn MP & Zarah Sultana MP
Lets keep our fingers crossed and hope for a better day. We dare to dream still
Hot in Bedfordshire. Not a euphemism. Sweaty, sweaty…Well yes it is indeed. Still super hot. Even with aircon I am just not coping so well. am tired again today. Annoying as I haven’t been that busy really. Maybe too much mental traffic in the last few weeks I think. Getting stressed about Alison and annoyed about the ‘Other’ thing plus general railing at the state of the world/universe that one can do little about. Next week I have two rehearsals Folkies and the Boomers and Alison’s friend Barbara is visiting for a day on Friday week. I was on chauffeur duty for that but shouldn’t need to be now.
I have found that small adjustments to my lifestyle in the last couple of years have had big benefits. Mostly about my approach to things. I am trying to live in the present as much as possible. I have always had back-up strategies but post lockdown my life seems to a be obsessed with a sort of mental insurance policy that stopped me enjoying life so much. Yesterday was not a thrilling evening but it was fun to play for 20 minutes and enjoy good company before and after.
Btw, please feel free to laugh. Had my best push-up bra and corset on so looking extra cute in my outfit. But discovered having a pint and a half of beer with a tight corset fab as ones figure becomes means a hell of a dash when I got home. Drove to the gates to park the car and full on blader alarm bells. Not fun. So annoying as last week was out for four hours had the same amount of beer and didn’t need a wee. Ageing is no fun for a violin playing doxie at times. On the plus side the guy running the folk club remembered me and the Delta Ladies
Two fingers on my left hand are stil a bit tender after my fall from the ladder a few months back. Ones a bit swollen under the first joint. Works fine though. Funny but as soon as I stop doing stuff at present I feel wiped out. It must be the weather I guess. I did work on some music today. I was fine until I stopped. It’s a silly hot day forecast again for tomorrow as well. My neck complains when I use the computer too. Ho hum. I am tired again today. Annoying as I haven’t been that busy really. Maybe too much mental traffic in the last few weeks I think. I need to get my head back in some sort of order I think, though to be fair it never really has been particularly neatly arranged in internal storage and indexing.
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