Well last year did not go well. I would have liked to say that I feel a bit more optimistic about 2020 but so far I don’t have any reason to. Maybe things will change but maybe not. I am wiped out pretty much I never had much confidence in the first place but I managed to blag my way through life relatively well in the last few years, but now I have lost the ability to fool myself.
I have allowed myself to be naive in thinking that people would be willing to do things for mutual benefit but apparently not. I have done people favours without expectation, and I try not to be judgemental but I realise I have been taken for a complete fool to often simply because of my own notions of fairness and reasonableness and mistaken loyalty. Maybe it’s karma catching up? Sometimes it feels like being a kid again. When you are perhaps a little awkward and you try to make friends. You think you are accepted, but it turns out you are an object of derision or ridicule or simply not worth treating with respect or at best a permanent outsider. Just history repeating itself. Maybe I just come across as being stupid and that makes me a target. I would like to say won’t get fooled again but I rather suspect I will. What’s the alternative? Trust no one? Maybe… Perhaps the safest option is just to lock myself away? BTW this is not one of those looking for sympathy posts. My problem is I don’t have the strength to push my way through anymore. Its been up hill for too long.

An official memorial event will mark the 75th anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi death camp on 27 January, International Holocaust Remembrance Day. Up to 200 Holocaust survivors who were imprisoned at the camp will attend, along with heads of state from at least 22 countries. A ceremony at 3.30pm will be addressed by survivors, Poland’s president Andrzej Duda, and Ronald Lauder, president of the World Jewish Congress. It will end with the kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the dead.

A sad tale.
I wish I could leave and go somewhere civilized at times. We are all looking for a safe haven I guess. What ever that might mean.