I suppose when you get to a certain age, its very easy to get into the mindset  that everything was really much better before and things were more reasonable.  Except of course that analysis tends to lead us to quite the opposite conclusion though our romantic notions of a soft focus past are comforting.  its human nature to remember the good bits and the other stuff tends to fade away. And often there are very good things to hold on to. What happens when we get the thing we wished for and our dreams become mundane? When there is a limit on how faster,better shinier we can be.

Well I think it’s hitting  that limit now for me personally.  My mood swings are mostly a thing of the past as are my deep depressions, but there is a lack of colour in everything or has been for the last few months.  Is it simply time for a change and if so of what nature?  Is it part of the aging process where novelty is hard to come by.  For some of us with mental health issues there can be an urge to take part in risky behaviour to feel a little bit more alive, to lift the blanket of stultifying merk that I find myself trying to move through.

Its been a bit of  a strain keeping spirits up at present. My father in law has recently had a very severe stroke, having been until very recently an active 92 year old doing his own garden and mostly looking after himself.  He is semi-conscious and on his way out and  expected to last a few days at most.  This has hit my partner very hard as i think she expected him to go on for ever.  He decided to stop taking his meds about a month before this happened and said he was fed up. His wife died 3 years back and they were a very close couple, and he was active but a rather insular sort of person in many ways. He was also like many older people fairly far to the right, so when I would go and visit I would try and keep the conversation as far away as possible from anything remotely contentious. Since my Mrs retired she had gone and visited on a fairly regular basis as had her other 2 sisters who lived fairly close by, so he has has seen a lot of his family and extended family in recent years.

I will not be waiting at the bedside though having watched both my parents die in hospital (My father died when I was 27) and in one of those strange circumstances my Grandfather who died when I was talking to him when I was about 7 years old. Also my older sister who passed a couple of years back. It makes you feel a bit like the Angel of death as you visit and the next thing you know people are dead.  Often its the case that you wait at the bedside and the moment that you leave they pass.  Apparently he  reasonably  comfortable at present…..

Last night the news about the attack in Nice came through just as I was about to go to sleep and that was a real shock particularly due to the nature of it. How one can ever.protect against such events  is very difficult to comprehend.

The world has so much conflict and pain in it day to day and so much is virtually unreported.

This weekend we are only playing one gig at the Ealing Blues Festival and at present my heart is really not in it. A close friend is also having  family problems which I won’t mention here too.

Must be time for a cup of tea.