Strange Days Again It Seems

Today I lost my temper out of the blue. It really scares me when that happens and it makes me feel bad afterwards. I think its the one remnant of childhood and being bullied. I can overreact although I try not to. It sneaks up on me like a thunderstorm out of the blue. it hasn’t happened so much recently, but it never goes away entirely. I do have techniques to manage it when it does happen, but I just wish it didn’t in the first place. I had a good day yesterday and was feeling fine. Paradoxically it often happens when I have been feeling good. It is it just electrochemical stuff going on in my grey matter? it’s not rational. Triggered by other stresses perhaps? Its weird and I could really do without it. I often go from being low and unenergetic to feeling good and uplifted but then I always get to a point where I start to tip in to mania. So a warning flag.

If I can keep my musical activities’ going I should be OK for company for a while. I can be very chatty given the chance. We are all a mass of contradictions. Interactions others might brush off as slightly annoying often catch one out and take the wind out the sails . On the other hand still have within me just a trace of spiv/gangsta/con artiste and ego tripper old ham (perhaps this is every performer ever). And a strong sense of self-preservation. And a ridiculous but mostly supressed libedo… I am a grade one loon. Maybe as mad as Liz truss 😉
I am introverted somewhat but not by choice (socially awkward at times). I like people but I can’t easily make small talk but with people of my tribe (musicians mostly) I am OK.

A song for you.

I am just a child shouting look at me aren’t I clever and sulking when I get ignored. Its the human condition.