What do you actually want and do you think you will be happy when you get it?
Only joking.

Not be able to see people that I know added the fact that its possible some wont be around by the time we get out of current restrictions is a major downer to be honest.

I think that for me, its a an acute sense of loss that I will not be able to break away from from until such time as we all get properly out of jail and that’s going to be a while. I am trying to cultivate any possible social and musical green shoots, but even with all technology available to help stay connected its very hard going.

Today has been very hard. I think there is something missing in my in my head at a certain level. I just cant live the way I used to My days at home are often a bit grim now. I have and am trying to crack on with stuff but there is an over whelming feeling of it all being a waste of time and pointless. That is depression pure and simple. Today was almost a not getting out of bed day, but I did manage to pull it together just about. Perhaps I need some drugs. (The prescribed sort?)

I have been practicing sight reading on piano and also writing down a few musical ideas. Also a I have been doing a  little production work on collaborative project. But by evening my mood has tanked again. There has to be more.

Things are not looking much better at the moment sadly. on a personal level and only the passage of time will tell if there is much of a future.
So here is another shorter musical offering recorded at the end of September.  Its a piano and violin duet. 

The notion that we can all turn our hand to anything is not IMO correct Its worth I think though reflecting the fact that there are many who have done quite a bit careerwise but now find that they have arrived at a point where they are pretty much unemployable simply because of age or simply who and what they are let alone those with some disabilities.

Over the years I was first trained as a Cinema projectionist, worked in warehouses, worked in Wardour street at film a Sound production house and then a recording studio. Spent a few years as a driver. I also worked in personel, became a computer programer did project management, conference planning and a load of other stuff. Now at the age of 63 I am pretty much on the scrap heap as although I have skills having mostly got my income from live music for the past 15 years my very long CV is pretty meaningless now to the outside world.
I do wonder what kind of world we are going to be in soon.

Still here just about then. I can’t believe it has  been going on since March. Its a sunny day again so not  too bad. I just finished a rather different piece of music and mixed it today. It seems to work, but who knows. Not much else is changed. My back still aches and there is no likelihood of a gig anytime soon. Its very much a time to pause and reflect as actually there is not much choice to do otherwise now. 

My mental health is moderate to mildly flaky at present.  At present I am fretting over getting the car MOT sorted out  and hoping it’s not going to cost silly money. Do I actually need a car anymore? My partner has a small hatchback that I can use, so maybe with no work on the horizon I don’t anymore. I dont want to give up the element  of freedom though if I dont have too. It Is difficult choice though. 

I am ploughing on with my exercise regime  for my back and posture. That’s helping but I am definitely feeling it at times now.  Otherwise I am trying to carry on writing music and recording it and just trying not to suck too much at  it. 

Its not looking good on the Covid-19 front and things do seem to be taking a turn for the worse in that respect so it could be a gloomy winter. 

Here’s my latest  musical offering for you all.  

So apart from the usual whats up.  In some senses life is like being on a permanent holiday. That sounds better than it actually is though. The lack of direct social contact is very waring now to be honest.  I had a couple of better days.I do feel bit more positive. I just hope its not the run in to a manic phase though (as you mentioned bi-polar). Good for music and creativity, but for mental health not so much. Christmas is going to be a really miserable for people that like people I suspect. I think we are likely to be at (essential travel only at the end of October) by the looks of things and I note that the new year fireworks in London are cancelled.

There are still many people avoiding going out too, at least in company.Even some of the very sociable pub going people are suffering a loss of confidence.

On the matter of making music “Music is magic, but the making of it is practical magic, remembering to cast the right spells and how to wave your wizards wand so you can summon a demon to do your will rather than a lemon for your gin and tonic”

Unless you need a lemon of course.

I just my got my PA and band kit put away in my storage area. That seems like a real full stop. An ending indeed. I am seriously considering now if I should sell it? That’s triggered a lot of mixed feelings for me. I cant see a way forward from here until we get from under Covid and that could be a very long time. Another 18 months maybe?  So I cannot just jog along as things are, or I shall be  cracking up big time.  Perhaps its time for a bit of DIY or something? I have a little list indeed.  Thank goodness for radio 4 as an aid to sanity. 

Picture by Ralph Stephenson.
To see more of Ralphs pictures go here.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/ralphstephenson/

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Lets be careful out there.