February 2020

Well, it’s been a bit of a funny month so far. Some miscommunication about various things has caused a few hiccups. A few more positive things have happened and it looks like a couple of useful musical connections have been made. Still having some other dreams verging on nightmares though I am sleeping a bit better. I do still wake up a little bit shaky though. That seems to be a regular occurrence at present. However, when I do remember my dreams are not particularly disturbing. It is her there is some great brooding and seen presents. Which is at the back of my mind. It just seems to be the lurking won’t shift. a lurking non-specific existential angst monster which the sunshine does not seem to illuminate even at its brightest.

In practical terms everything just about sort of roles on. Not quite grinding to a halt, but more something turns up variety. I am plodding on with various musical projects. No surprise there then. That’s my only kind of regular point of reference the one thing that I always do. The depression hasn’t given up on me. It’s still there but I’m sort of working through it and I’m doing things. I still can’t quite seem to slip into gear and get on with other things. That would really help me go forward. I still haven’t felt comfortable enough to try and get involved instead in what’s going on in my new neighbourhood much. It’s not just anxiety, it is also basic introversion. Most days I start off with a good intent but it doesn’t often convert to action.

Mostly it doesn’t convert to anything at all. There are one or little bits of serendipity that lighten things a bit. I’m not stuck in a state of permanent twilight l It’s not that sort of depression. You might say it feels more like exhaustion. I’ll try and make the effort to get back to people quickly when they email or communicate with me. Sometimes even doing that gets a bit difficult. Its like my mind going blank and having nothing to say. Can’t really remember time quite like that before. I’m sure there must have been though It’s not as if there’s been anything terrible going on in the last few month. I pretty much rolled along the same as usual although it’s been a little bit quieter because I haven’t had the usual number of musical expeditions. Whether that’s going to change much. I can’t really say. All one can do is crack on. In a month or so a it will be a year since Vicky died. In many ways it doesn’t seem anything like that long. I still find it hard and have to remind myself. Simple things like not making a phone call to share a bit of news. That is one of the hardest things.

So typical day is exercises for my back, a couple of hours piano practice. Mostly to keep the fingers moving, bit of writing and composing. Working on recordings. Sorting out stuff as I have far too much recording gear now. I had my own set up. Vicky had a studio set up but that was mostly my stuff which I got for the band over the years. Tha has now come home and stuff I have inherited too along the way. I need to sell a few bits.

Annoyingly also I cannot type for very long due to back and shoulder problems so that has restricted some things I would like to be doing as I cannot type for an extended period of time. I do use speech recognition software a bit but, it still requires a fair amount of editing. That’s easiest done typing on a keyboard.

On the live music side I do have couple of new people to work with which should make things a bit easier to get going again. I am wary of trying to book much in the way of gigs yet though until I am confident of peoples commitment and abilities. Some things can’t be rushed through.