Life plays us in a sense, we push too hard one way and it resists us and forces us off course far to often.


“There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

W Shakespeare.

Might seem a little odd, but I think maybe for a while I will not try and be pro-active and seek stuff. I will just carry on writing and recording my own stuff, do Invisible Folk Band projects and take any gigs I get offered that its practical to do. But I am giving up the hunt. If the stars align for something new and magical again great, but if they don’t.. It feels as if I am surrounded it seems by time wasters again. What a surprise. You try and you just don’t get a hand up. Sometimes it has to be all or nothing. You have to bet the farm. There is no risk free life, ever.

That’s sort of a complete 180 degree turn from what I was trying to achieve but a couple of years back to be honest, but at this stage doing what I really want to is the best way to go now.

I am eccentric and quixotic in terms of how I approach things at times and my strong points are also weak spots as I am never really going to be bland. Some people want bland though. I like working with people to make a thing that’s more than the some of its parts if possible. Also I am not a perfectionist so I would rather be getting it 80% or 90% right than labouring for ever to get that 99.99% There is not much to be done I guess. I can have good days with very little arthritis type pain then a really bad day. Often with no rhyme or reason. Much like the depressive episodes which just pop up out of nowhere. On bad days the arthritis is quite debilitating. Other days I feel quite normal. Although I moan about it I do have gigs and music projects. Its just my social life that’s a little bit lacking.

I have certain innate abilities but that also makes me a bit lazy. Maybe there is a spot for me in some new ‘thing’ but tis the fates which must decide, but it seems unlikely.

A few recent tunes from me…

• Existential Dread Swing Time
  Existential Dread Swing Time by Diana Stone
• On A Day Such As This Only Memories
  On A Day Such As This Only Memories by Diana Stone
• Marching In Lines
  A protest song sort of.
• Disappointments and Distractions
  Slightly world vibes alt pop-rock song with prog overtones
• Interference Patterns
  Violin chil-out vibe with Synths
• False Dawns Illusion
  Gentle solo piano piece
• Everything Scares Me So
  A song about feeling scared like so many of us are right now.
• Not Home Yet
  Nostalgic wistful theme

I am becalmed but not calm…

For me personally my issue is that I lack people not projects I guess. Everybody in the Boomers (my covers band) are busy with family/Church and volunteering stuff a lot of the time. All very worthy, but totally different to my situation and life really. I am slightly introvert but enjoy company, but I have always found making friends difficult. I am not sure its really fixable at my age. Non-transactional friends I suppose I mean is what I need so company for no particular reason, rather than say music buddies. Of course they might be both I suppose?

A poem:

Was That You?

Funny I never realised but its been so long.

How are you then, alive at least.

I thought you were really someone else.

Maybe it shows how slow I am now

And the world is not the same and it seems to spin much faster

the days turn into disaster.

I should have called out and said hello or ahoy there or maybe even There she blows, but I didn’t.

Just silence and a lingering stare. Not sure I caught your eye,

or perhaps I did and you were politely ignoring me for mental health and safety’s sake? So now I am convinced it was you but I didn’t ask so I cant be 100% sure, maybe I should have asked to see that scar

Was that you, maybe?

Because It was definitely me.

Well at least it did today. Not sure for how long if it depends on the quixotic notions of DJT though.

Just been to Clophill lake’s with Alison. Very busy there. Bumped into Steve that briefly drummed with Delta Gypsy’s and his Mrs. A bright Sunny bank holiday Monday. I am very much in space cadet territory at present mentally though.

On A Day Such As This

Time seems to be passing very rapidly now. A moment ago it was late autumn is how it feels to me. I do have a few gigs and rehearsals coming up though so that should keep me a little bit more grounded hopefully. Its strange watching a moon mission again after so long a time. I had a map of the moon on the wall when I was a kid. Shame I don’t still have it.
Got my teeth cleaned (ouch) but OK.

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”
Matthew 7:7-8 (KJV) 

Well there’s a thought.

What if you are seeking the wrong things?

Today I was at Jon’s in Chesham rehearsing for our next Invisibles gigs. It went fairly well. Plenty of traffic on the M1 as usual but no holdups. I have managed to climb a few personal Everests and K2s one might say over the years. Its a good feeling but where does one go next? And as the Rolling Stones song goes, “You cant always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need” . I had a critical listen to a few of my more recent released tracks. They do stand up quite well in most respects musically and in terms of production. Surprisingly so to be honest. There is an element of The Wizard of Oz to this. It seems much more than the some of its parts but its just me behind the curtain working the puppets. That’s show biz though. Judging by the posts of some of my contemporary’s in my peer group I do wonder if some are actually going senile at times. I have just unfollowed yet another musician who has posted a bible quote under an AI picture of a crusader just off on his way to kill the to brown people that book says aforesaid profit was born among.

Make it stop please.

Here is a song for you, and you and you.

I have hit the buffers I think. The tiredness I experience now more often and in part that may well be due to the arthritis getting worse when its bad. I don’t have trouble doing stuff generally, playing gigs and what not. So it may be in part depression at present. I do buck up when I have something that occupies my mind. I don’t seem to have anxiety manifesting as panic attacks anything like as often as I used to, but this seems allied being in a much less energetic state. Its like I am running at much lower revs now. That should be a good thing. I also think my state of mind is due to the news and and other stuff that I cant affect too. I am getting close to being 5 years older than my dad was now when he died. Maybe I am just thinking too much? Compared to many older folk my life is not too bad over all. I shouldn’t be getting so down about stuff but it is mental health issue of course. I am feeling very introspective at present. I have come along way in many respects which is good, but I do feel a little bit of the old “Is that all there is” First world problems I guess really? A Neckache this morning. Ouch. So best laid plans and all that. Neck pain is related to my back issues and so not lightly to change much. Much as I would like to I don’t think I can make my world much bigger at present. I spent about half of yesterday working on music. Then just fell in to the usual gloom. Before bed I watched a recent (2024 ) low budget Indy sci-fi comedy film though on Amazon which I really enjoyed though. Cast of 4 people basically and shot in the desert. Probably filmed on a couple of iPhone’s and a tripod but cool vibe and fun.

When I have a set back or a problem to often I have to remind myself that 99% of the time its not a conspiracy or plot or personal attack on me. That’s my inheritance from school, growing up and teenage years. Its programmed in on a very deep level. I deal with it better now but at bad times it will still rear up again to confront me. How does one fight phantoms and ghosts? This year has been hard for me so far as things just seem to have stalled again. I think in part its the fact so many (live) music projects have been dead ends really. I did turn up a bit of interesting health related info. Apparently a pot belly can be caused by cortisol (lack of sleep and stress). My beer belly has got bigger since I stopped regularly drinking real ale bizarrely. I rarely have beer now. I am not over eating or drinking much either. That might make sense.

I really did hope I would be able to build on my reputation with the Delta Ladies and ES and go on pastures new after Vicky’s death but the pandemic put the breaks on that. Plus both my mental and physical health suffered too. Despite trying there was no way to get back on the bus. Yes I am still at it at least doing a bit but it stings. So I understand the sense of loss and regret well enough and failure. To me the fact that I couldn’t find somebody to really work with feels like a failure on my part, but its also because of age. People I could have worked with have gone into pipe and slippers mode and younger people are not likely to be interested. So yes I have done stuff but I feel a huge sense of loss and that hurts. The difference is that although I did make a few mistakes it wasn’t all on me. Not much to be said really. One particular thing is different though, the years of bullying and put downs have created an attitude in me that I have been used to dodging the slings and arrows of outrageous do dah and so expect problems and obstacles/roadblocks.