I am in band/trio (lovely people but due to all sorts’ of reasons but ) they rarely gig and also part of Jon Bickleys Invisible Folk Club Band but it leaves me with a lot of spare time. I do spend a lot of time writing and learning new stuff and recording but Its incredibly isolating. I am not good at socialising with people I don’t know and find solo performances a bit hard going so I don’t feel comfortable doing open mics though I have done in the and even done a few solo gigs. They went down well enough but I found it a real strain. I prefer being in some sort of ensemble

Over the past 2 or 3 years I have been trying to find to some local musicians near to Bedford to work on with on projects or form a band of some sort or even impromptu music hookups. I did do a few things with the Also Rans early on, but I am not an Irish Folkie so it’s not really my thing and I dropped out. They are great and lovely people though.

So I have tried advertising in websites and notice boards on and off over the last 2 or 3 years. Not a heavy commitment time wise but just people that don’t require me to be doing 60 to a 100 mile round trips for rehearsals and so forth. Sadly this has got me zero responses. I am used to working with people in ensembles and over about 25 years or so both in rock/folk/country and world music. All my old contacts were based around most of southern England but in particular London and Essex plus the south coast. However they were people that like myself in those days basically only did paid gigs as it was our job. So whilst I am still in touch with many of them they are not people that have the time or resources to spend on zero income musical projects.

What puzzles me is this: I have been responding to online music ads and always include a decent mini-bio I and give phone number and email and social media details. Sadly no responses. Not even a ‘No Thanks’. Why put an ad up then not respond? I always respond to messages/phone calls even if its only to say that I don’t think I would be a good fit for what they want.

Either that or I have:

BTW I have discussed on chat with other musicians I know, Many who are pro or semi pro and/or retired some of whom have seen me play live as well as well knowing my recorded works and the general reaction from them is basically puzzlement?

1 Fallen past the event horizon of a black hole
2I have actually died and am in limbo
3 The world I perceive actually doesn’t exist and I am
in fact immersed in a virtual reality simulation

It’s the total lack of responses that I find odd.

I did also consider that it might be an issue due to me being transgender, but over the past 25 years as a working musician that’s never really been a problem except on a maybe 2 occasions out of about 4500 gigs. I also thought maybe it’s an age thing too? I have realised my only real defence against my existential angst is a daft sense of humour right now. I seriously thought about signing up with quakers. I have a void to fill. You might call it spiritual perhaps. I realised that I don’t have any non-transactional relationships other than my sister and one other friend. Everybody else wants me for something and vice versa It’s hard when you don’t do small talk easily though..

I reckon I am not that scary really and honestly I don’t bite and I won’t eat you.


“If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o’er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
‘Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe’er,
But falls into abatement and low price,
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical.”
― William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

Old Will had a way with words indeed.

A lot of very strange notions are flying around my head right now. A bit crazy and close to the edge when actions have consequences. So I take a deep breath. Recording again this afternoon. I found an old demo of vicky doing a Woody Guthrie song that I didn’t know I had. I have added a bit of fiddle and slide to it. Not quite finished but almost. I might had a touch of dulcimer as well. In the end I didn’t and gave myself a headache in the process but its done now.
But this track is not it though.

When Will We Come Here Again

We can’t retrace our steps can we. What was was but was and what is,is and however glorious it was it will not be the same again. Botheration said Poo bear to Piglet. I know said piglet let’s go and wind Eeyore up. Splendid said Poo.

I need a plan just in case in case I live a few more years. If I don’t get cancer/heart disease or go barmy. yes I know I have my music but I may need to expand that a bit. Perhaps more projects recording original music with others and of course a few more gigs if I am spared would be nice too.

This year still feels palpably weird in some respects. Stuff is happening but I feel like a very detached observer of events in the world but somehow not of it. A lot of media chatter about the death of Ann Widdecombe. It turns out she was murdered. She said a lot of stuff I might not agree with but to be honest I did not take much notice of her. She seems to have been anti everything pretty much. But there will be many others that hold similar views of course. I find the best thing to do with such people is ignore them and treat them as invisible. You can’t shut down the hate and most people that have such divisive and often hateful views are in my view likely to have major issues. Some maybe are not mad but in fact entirely bad.

Today (17/07/2026) is the end of term here , so time to remount the bren gun on the balcony and stack some ammo next to it just in case. The Bren gun was widely considered the best light machine gun of World War II due to its legendary reliability, extreme accuracy, and quick-change barrel system. It provided infantry with mobile, sustained firepower that easily adapted to various combat environments. It should take care of the average teenage rampage though a platoon of public school boys might be more difficult to eradicate if sufficiently disciplined.

I am working my way through various events and hangups and guilt trips at present and to try and be ready to take an opportunity if it presents it self or have the knowledge to make an informed choice.

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