It is a bit brighter here now. The Daffodils are out on the veranda. Here is a song for you all.

I was thinking the other day about ways to save money when it hit me. For whatever time is left to me I will probably be OK financially if western civilisation does not collapse. Obvious of course and I won’t be going on any world cruises but short of that money is not the worry it was. if I get overdrawn occasionally who cares Its all a game init. So we might as well enjoy what we can? I won a competition for best Instrumental with a streaming service music website I used. Thats nice as I usually don’t win things. It has a small but useful prize. $120 of promotions. Cool.

I have been using a mood tracking app for about 18 days or so now and It’s already showing what looks like it might be a pattern of mood swings. They are not related to events it seems. I won’t know much until I have used it for about 3 months or so but there is a sort of just over a week cycle of Irritability and anxiety looking at what I can see so far. So I suspect it’s not going to be something I can do much about predicting other than I feel Ok for about 4 to 5 days then wallop I get stressed and anxious and/or depressed. Well I sort of knew that already…

I think what it is started to show is that its not connected much to external triggers so avoiding doing things that I think might stress/upset me may not have any effect. But once I have got the pattern established I should be able to predict it a little and that may be useful for me. Because its fast cycling bi-polar with added extra anxiety. The difficult part to manage is the manic side and the irritability that goes with it. that causes far more problems than the depressive part of the cycle.

I just woke up after dosing of at the computer and wrote a little tune on the piano (just came straight into my head out of the blue), so I have been hastily scribbling it down. It may well be a song about to bud… Having some ability to write and read music is really useful at times.

A friend brings up the old chestnut of there being no free speech, whilst at the same time writing about it on Facebook.

People in the shadows will remain there. It terms of restrictions nobody I know of is stopped from saying anything in the UK. I can if I so whish criticise publicly anyone be they prince or pauper or cat or king. There are rules allowing whistle blowers in large organisations and government to bring to light issues. Free Speech is not a licence to oppress or insult or abuse minority’s or to make false accusations with no consequence. There are some people who have restrictions on what they can talk about in government, the civil service, forces and so forth but only in relation to specific areas of their work.

You have free speech demonstrably being able to write what you wish in public in the UK.

What you do not have is the right to make public allegations that may be deliberately false or malicious or to make threats of violence or death threats.

I have had blogs and websites starting in 1998. In all that time nobody has ever stopped me from publishing opinions on anything. For part of that time I worked at the Home Office and the only restrictions I was under related to information directly related to my work that could have potentially been used for criminal or malicious purposes.

The biggest problem, (but it has always been so) is that most media news outlets are not independent of course.

This is a place I was not expecting to arrive at and where we go from here is another matter entirely. I have had a few recurring health issues that are making life a bit less fun. I am frustrated as I am just not able to do what I was planning on so easily. Some issued seem to be anxiety triggered as well. There is an underlying cause I am sure, but one that I don’t see any way of resolving at present. Also I can’t get what’s going on in the world out of my head. That’s in part due to my isolation to a degree.

I realised very recently that it’s not just my physical reserves that have dwindled but also my resolve generally and I can’t deal with emotional issues so well. If Vicky and I had been able to keep gigging a few more years we would I suspect by now have reached the limit. There is a huge gulf between what we would like to do and what we are still capable of. I can still play OK, but I am all about avoiding stress now. This band is mostly low maintenance so I can just let them chug along hopefully. My personal life is OK. My partner is good company when I need it so I am not lonely. She is comfortable enough though it is looking as she will end up not driving sooner rather than later. She doesn’t enjoy it now. So getting the other car back on the road may well be just to sell it if possible.

In the days when I was gigging 3 or 4 days a week and going with Vicky to get new gigs and help with interviews for Blues Matters and stuff I was in a very small flat but it did not matter as I was only in about 3 days a week day or so at most. So the environment did not matter so much as I was distracted by the other stuff going on. I would go barking mad if we were living there now.
We have space and every convenience on hand. Yesterday we had our first bulk supermarket delivery here. Makes life a lot easier.

Music pretty much has taken over my life. Writing it, playing it, recording it and listening too it. I just wish I had the stamina I had ten years back. So it’s my thing and it helps keep me sane (to a degree)

I am trying to ignore events around me as much as possible but it is harder than I thought it would be. And we are indeed living in interesting times as the Chinese proverb (curse) says.
It’s definitely not conducive to normal life is it. I do wonder how far it’s all going to go. And Donald Trump is behaving like a Russian asset. OK that sounds like the plot of a new James Bond movie but its very weird. He did say he stop the war in Ukraine before he was in power. Why say it with so much conviction. Mad or Bad? Why the yanks put a man in office that was charged with inciting an insurrection is a mystery to me. Maybe all his department heads will all just be fighting each other for power now. It’s very strange. It seems to be chaos for the sake of it. Others have also noted how remarkably energetic he has been for an oldie. I cant believe its just from playing golf.

A new solo piano tune.

A reasonable couple of goodish days bodywise at least and there is a correlation with staying in bed longer and aching, so I am slowly trying to get into the habit if getting up a little earlier as that seems to help with general aches and pains. Other stuff is as per usual music related doings and but too much time on the computer in between is stressing my mind and body.

I sometimes wonder how I am still here when I think back over some of the incidents that have occured over my lifetime. Some of it has just really weird too. A bed that was tied to the roof of a car in front of me insecurely came off off on a section of dual carriageway and I hit it at 70 mph. It’s amazing how quickly it all turns to splinters when that happens. I was attacked in Battersea Park on my way to work by a druggy with a knife who held it to my throat and I managed to get out of that by talking. I was stalked by a guy with a broken bottle and mugged at Victoria Station at 6pm whilst waiting for a bus in a queue. Not one person attempted to assist or even went to get help. I walked past an IRA bomb in London 30 seconds before it went off and there’s more…. There are a few other things I could add to the list but I just wonder sometimes how it is that my luck held out? Nothing is certain ever.

I look at the world and the dreadful things happening to usually innocent people who’s lives are erased in seconds or lives are changed forever in terrible ways.

So I wonder is everything just random chance, does stuff just happen. Is there any guiding principal in the universe or is just all the random interactions and collisions’ between fundamental particles played out… It can make you crazy if you let it.

Just asking for a friend