My 58th birthday passed without to much in the way of incident. With a half decent gig as one third of the Delta Ladies at the halfway house in barnes  the night before, so that was alright.  I seem to be doing less and less recently and I am a little perturbed as it feels like someone has hit my off switch and i can’t quite get going again. Last year at this time I was playing a lot of very big and possibly indulgent piano stuff.  I can’t seem to get my head around writing lyrics anymore and maybe I have simply just run out of ideas.  Perhaps one only has a limited amount of  ideas and once they are used up thats your lot sunshine.

For a Birthday present I got a SAD lamp as yet another tool in the ongoing battle against depression. It seems to have had some effect as I have got a bit more energy and the ability to concentrate for more than a millisecond. So maybe there is some hope left for me.  I do spend a lot of time playing the piano, but I really don’t feel inspired at all.

I made a list of all the skills I had accumulated since leaving School, as apart from learning to read I didn’t really pick too much in the way of formal education. Currently I spend a lot of time on the old internet thingy, I do read a lot of political blogs now. Funny thing but I never took much interest in Politics when I was a Civil Servant. Weird that. But hey I didn’t say I was any sort of intellectual 🙂 I am worried about the way things seem to be going. I come from what used to be called a working class background, and I didn’t really know what was going on around me most of the time. In fact I was pretty gormless. Often I wake up in the morning and think WTF did I do that. The interesting thing is that I never felt that it was any of my business to judge other people. I didn’t really understand the 80’s and somebody I worked with tried to explain things to me.  The message which I missed at the time was stop being a mug, but enlightenment did not arrive soon enough to save me.  I have often chosen to believe what people tell me, but this also has not been a brilliant strategy.  I have been very naive, and people have taken advantage.  Being prone to depression and having had some fairly long episodes you don’t always feel you can fight back. A consequence of this is that you don’t tend to stand up for you rights too much or eventually something pushes you over the edge and you go for the throat. Fun.

Now I see, and I don’t like what I see at all. You float through life in a dream, and whoosh its gone and you wake up just in time to see how far wrong you have actually gone.  Today I am feeling vaguely paranoid with a side order of useless. I am watching TV and I have not been out of the front door for two days.  Thats not good really, but London only works if you have the resources to enjoy it. I am an introvert, but a lonely introvert gathers no moss or quite often friends either.  I don’t like ring people on the phone as I think that they won’t want to hear from me, but I also can talk to much and that may well piss people off. Or folks think your being aloof because you can’t do small talk too well.