Time traveling again. In 2008 I left my day job. I had a fair few adventures since then but it was a leap into the unknown definitely. Was it worth it? They say the journey is often more important than the destination sometimes. So was it a good journey, mostly yes I would say. In one sense that particular journey did have an end which was predictable but still very unexpected and it derailed me, then whilst trying to rebuild and arise phoenix like the covid lockdowns caused everything to stop and it felt like a combination of groundhog day and being trapped behind glass able to see the world but not being of it somehow.

Fast forward to now. I am still here and I didn’t starve after all, but the outlook is not so great in some respects. In 2025 I lost a lot of confidence in my abilities and my various projects have spluttered, backfired and ground to a halt in many cases. And what they don’t tell you comes with package is the increasing isolation that seems to be part and parcel of aging. I have acquaintances, people I have met through music and some of them I sporadically work with still.
The people I knew longest and who were closest have died. There are now maybe a couple of people I can still tell my troubles to if needed and maybe others that I don’t want to burden with my problems and sour my relationships potentially. January’s not a good time for me and this year has hit hard in the sense that I feel as if everything is just stuck like a fly crawling in pine resin. It thinks it can fly away but even at maximum revs its just not taking off. Being a fly and not possessing I presume a vast intellect, it just repeats the same action until it dies of exhaustion…
Without social media just about keeping up the illusion that I am actually not living in virtual reality as a brain in jar in vast warehouse/bunker somewhere I think I would start cracking up by now. Still you have to laugh 😂

À votre santé, que la route s’élève à votre rencontre…

I wrote this on my blog in 2008….

“I did my last day at the office on Friday and had the obligatory leaving drink and presentation which was embarrassing but I was also quite touched as I had not really expected it. A lot of folks turned up and I do feel a tinge of regret as I was there along time and if I had no ambition to do anything else maybe I could have kept on, but I think I would have been barking mad before very much longer. Also I had got used to a fairly maverick way of doing things and me and the corporate culture have got very far apart now. In a sense it allows me to complete the re-invention of self that’s been coming for a long time.. Everyone was very nice but many were shocked as I had been working there 13 years and they had assumed that I would be there until I retired I suspect. I told them what I was expecting to do in future and everyone was very positive.

the brain cells were already well fried by that point and tempting as that might sound the job was just getting too much for me in the end. I was so stressed that I was forgetting how to do things which was quite scary. I am sort of in freefall at the moment and I will be trying to make a living from the music side of things for the next year, but if it doesn’t work out then I will be back in IT in some respect or maybe just filling shelves between gigs. I have a portfolio of other practical skills that should get me through one way or the other.

I now feel a lot more relaxed and I am going to take a calculated risk on a new career (though its not really a new career as its something I have been involved with for a long time) and also will take some time to study and improve my skills a bit. I am giving myself about a year to see if I can support myself as a musician. I don’t know how realistic that is but I am going to give it a try I don’t need a huge income just enough to pay the bills and I hope that is realistic… “
My-old-blog-to-april-2008/

It’s easy to see why people give up and hit the painkillers. How do you motivate yourself on those days when everything just hurts? It’s difficult for sure.

At the moment the new bit is doing sitting squats which I can also do through the day and that seems to be helping as I how have a bit of definition between the bottom of my ribs and the top of my belly. The core is my main problem so I am also doing stand-up planks. If I can keep it up I shall be able to continue my career as a frivolous musical internet tart. Today as I write this I have felt a little lost to be honest. Its very clear to me now that to keep on trucking I need a bit of a mini workout regularly if only to maintain my present mobility.And possibly a little over exercised too. Suddenly felt really cold and realised I have the heating set too low. A combination of east wind and a lot of rain has made it a tad chillier than usual here.

So whilst I want to get on with stuff I wont be doing too much this week I think unless I have a bit of revival and uplift. I Might transcribe a couple more of my old songs from recordings this week though as the first couple have gone well rather well. Although some of the songs seem complex due to the arrangements but the basic harmonic structures are often 6 to 7 chords underneath many of them so they are performable.

I did a simple thing but it made me happy: I transcribed my latest song so I have a lyric and lead sheet. It took about 30 minutes so I shall do this with some of the other songs I have recorded with the intent of torturing people at OMs and Folk singarounds. I have suffered for my art and so should you… A small thing but a step forward.

Noon January 20, 1961. In his inaugural address, JFK spoke of the need for all Americans to be active citizens: “Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.” He asked the nations of the world to join to fight what he called the “common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.”He added:

“All this will not be finished in the first one hundred days. Nor will it be finished in the first one thousand days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.” In closing, he expanded on his desire for greater internationalism: “Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us here the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you.”

Or

” They were farmers and soldiers, cowboys and factory workers, steelworkers and coal miners, police officers and pioneers who pushed onward, marched forward, and let no obstacle defeat their spirit or their pride. Together, they laid down the railroads, raised up the skyscrapers, built great highways, won two world wars, defeated fascism and communism, and triumphed over every single challenge that they faced.”

Yet what we see Trump doing with the ICE thugs is clearly fascism. I really don’t understand how US politics works. My greatest fear is that the wannabes (Farage and his unspeakables) in this country might get into power at some point in my lifetime.

What a contrast. Obviously JFK was far from perfect, if he had lived would we still have a man like Trump eventually come to power. I guess the answer is yes because ‘Mostly Old White Men’ and a few of their young rich disciples seem pretty much unstoppable.

Everything is fucked now.

A thought at reaching 69: I don’t seek death but I am aware of its presence at least in the mirror in the distance. Something glimpsed in the shadows. I am not an optimist. All we ever have at best within reason is another day if we are spared. I find it easy to live that way as I have gotten older. Your welcome.