It may seem silly but the thought that I am now 69 hit me in a weird way. To me that’s proper old 😂 I suddenly had an oh shit moment and a feeling that this cant be me, can it? Sounds mad I suppose. Its all getting a bit ‘Sunset Boulevard’ now. Nurse bring the screens

The problem I have at the moment is the more I try to get stuff started the more disheartened I become. But its not just me it seems. The music I create is getting ever more popular which is of course satisfying on one level but unless I actually attempt to form a band I seem to be out of options. Forming a band is a lot of bother of course. perhaps more than I could deal with.

I have definitely hit a rock in the road confidence wise. I think all I can do is wait for spring and hopefully a reset will occur. I saw an ad on Facebook with a guy looking for a female vocalist to work with in a duo and it was interesting that he said this:

“Thanks everyone for the likes but can people just DM me if they are actually interested”. So it looks like basically nobody has responded. I get the feeling and a lot of others have said the same that things are just shutting down. People don’t want to leave the house. So its not just me and its not just my age and demographic either.

I don’t want to give up on live performance personally but if I could be content with just the occasional gig I would be happier. Trouble is that’s where things are and my tiny ape brain just can’t accept it. Worlds changed and I cant adapt it seems. So although I have done stuff, I do feel my self-esteem/confidence nose diving just a tad. In a sense any fix is actually not about what I do, its about how I feel about. That’s the hard part.

Things have changed a lot. The gig scene is mostly in terms of audiences either proper music fans or musicians, but a lot less casual punters now. That is a post covid effect. And also people cant afford to go out so much so they don’t or they save up and just go to special events. Pay £500 quid to go to a festival but never see a live band in a pub for free is much more the case. Redbourn Folk clubs getting such low attendances that they may have to pack it in apparently if things don’t buck up and many folk clubs in pubs are in a similar position as they don’t take enough money over the bar to keep the lights on. People are now going out in summer but staying home in winter to an extent as well.

I just haven’t got the oomph for anything at present. So maybe I should just wait until it comes back, if it comes back. In truth I am not motivated to go out much and there are plenty of opportunity’s. Maybe I am just making excuses not to go to OM’s and similar. I think its me as much as its everything else now.