I am feeling a few wobbles this week. Its funny how one can feel confidant on Monday and a quivering wreck by Wednesday.

I always have ongoing music writing and recording projects. So even on the worst days I do something. I practice/play more or less every day. I am now in contact with more people which helps push me along a bit and apart from that I use every possible technique to keep going mental health wise, but some days are just weird and scary. Days when you can feel your body working and it’s a sensory overload.

my latest tune:

I feel at the moment I am perhaps not actually stalled but rather temporarily parked and taking to time to study the map before going full bore towards the next destination. I know where I want to get to but the best route is not obvious to me right now. I still cannot grasp at a fundamental level that my material needs at least are met. Oddly that may be part of the problem physiologically, as one feels much more risk averse having reached a relatively comfortable space?

Its strange. I feel almost like I need to reboot everything in my life. I am depressed, there’s no doubt about that. I am sure this will make no sense what so ever, but although I have been banging on about gigs and stuff I have got so frustrated with it that another side of me is whispering in my ear to give it up again. My heads a bit messed up. I must just try to not subconsciously sabotage myself. I could do that very easily I think. That’s the hidden thing that people that dont have mental health issues don’t see. Alison try’s to be supportive when I am low, but she can’t really help much with it. My life is not bad in most respects. A bit like being a lazy teenager with no responsibility in some regards. I dont have the confidence to launch myself upon the world that many do. I am not a hammer down the door shouting let me in type. 50% of me wants to be out strutting my stuff and the other 50% wants to lock myself away and hide at present and it sort of hurts.

I expect I will be Ok enough psychologically long term. I get these times and they usually pass. Curious thing but as I mentioned Ralph suggested I should stop striving as it were. He was wrong on one level but right on another. A more Mr McCaburesque attitude to life would be better. Something does seem to turn up more often than expected.

I also have a song lyric from Steve the drummer in Gypsy that I will try and work up into a song. I have a tune and chords for it but I need to find a suitable style/setting for it. It needs to be a folkie/hippy vibe with perhaps a sprinkling of early Bolan as in Tyrannosaurus Rex when it was a duo with loads of bongos, dejembies vibe mixed in.

I also recently looked at a couple of pictures of my dad when he was in his late 50s. His face was really gaunt. I guess that is what a lifetime of smoking does. He did reduce his smoking from 60 a day to about 20 in the end. I seem to take after my grandmas side of the family more. Just a little bit plumper. My dad never had a belly. But although I am slim I have done for years. Weird init.

I am mildly depressed. I do have projects of course. I have been stressed due to pretty much running out of money last year. Ok that is correcting itself now of course. Everything used to be a challenge, finding ways to get by. Getting a few bob extra in here and there. Now in a sense it doesn’t matter if I get out of bed or not. It’s a maybe a phase I am going through. Maybe I still have a few more connections I need to make. It’s more a matter of not giving in and plodding on? only ever really brought things I needed. Perhaps due to circumstances in the main. I have never been obsessed with stuff. I do need to sell a few things though really that I don’t use. Studio gear mostly thats duplicated or outmoded. But inertia takes over and it doesn’t happen.
Its not impossible that stuff might get used in future though of course?

I had a dream that I had a “real” baby grand piano in the lounge. But also in the same dream I had been sacked from a band for being past it. It’s all my insecurities come home to roost. I feel like all the really good stuff is just turning in “fireside memories” I remember when you could play 3 paid gigs every week. “Yes, Granny. Drink your tea and take your anti psychosis pills” My insecurity is that the boat really has left without me now.

For the last few months I have been in the main quite productive and less anxious and its all been goodish on the music side. I do feel a lot less motivated generally though in other ways, If I don’t have a specific place to go or people to do the day can easily get wasted I find. I feel like I have a psychological hangover for want of a better word. And the less I do the tired I feel too?
I can see how older folk than me who perhaps don’t have any abiding interests start getting crazy now.

I think in creative terms its likely that I could not really do more than I have done at the end of the day. But as is often the case the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow even if you can find it may not be such a bit deal. its always about the journey not the destination. At what point through does one get off the train. Should one just wait until thrown off by the ticket inspector at Crumbly halt?