Indeed why would you not to be fair. We are nearly at the end of February. Musical projects role along in the usual way. Boldly going forward because we can’t find reverse. I am now officially a pensioner by my own governments definition. I shall now buy a union jack teapot and mutter darkly about the loss of empire and say how lovely that nice young mr Farage (or is it Farago)is and how he is going to stop all that. Or possibly not? Sometimes I get so far out and so fast I pass myself coming back the other way.

Friends. I have left people behind. Usually it has to be said because from my perspective, they have been bigoted and often far right. But not many. A problem with having struggled with the balance of power with my mental eleves for many, many years has made friendships more difficult to sustain. Sometimes people change or we change too much for them to accommodate and our personal venn diagrams are disrupted. Other people sometimes have to leave you behind and there are always words left unsaid, and often far too many or words that you would rather were not said at all.

Here is a slightly further out tune from my library newly minted at the time of writing this. It’s sort of Jazz ish/Rock. No fiddle on this one.

I am getting out and playing a bit more at present with a very diverse bunch of musicians. It’s nice to be up and doing again after a break of around 2 years plus. I really hope this can continue. I do feel very tired though a lot of the time. Maybe the seasons changing will give me a booster.

I have a fairly diverse selection of musical hats that I wear these days. The above being from my folk side. It looks almost composed like a painting, but it’s just a slightly enhanced still from a video clip. It iss sort of anarchy (in the original sense of the word), a song or tune starts and people join in if they can or of they can’t they just tap the table gently. I busked on the Irish “tunes” that I didn’t know, the reals and stuff by playing under the other fiddle line which seemed to work. But you can pick the tunes up once you hear them often enough. So it trains your ear a bit. My folk playing is much more European than Irish though… the youngsters know the names of the tunes in Gaelic so no chance of looking them up on google. They start by saying lets do ” Narly och gargoch” or something that sounds vaguely like that and you think what the fuck is that tune but you recognise it so you do your best.

I am a bit worried about being this tired. The thing is I am fairly relaxed now a lot of the time. I don’t have adrenaline pumping all the time which is good but maybe I have just worn myself out a bit with worrying and worrying about stuff in the last year or so? I think that my be part of it. The flat is comfortable but with the heat up enough to get rid of the aches and pains it really makes me sleepy at the best of times. Its February though of course. I think this is stil a bit of a post viral covid hangover potentially. Of course I could just be mad.

I looked at some old video from our French trips. Its stuff I haven’t put on the web. the performances are good, but what I notice is that in them, in some frames when I am playing violin, my back is so curved over it looks like I am never going to be able to get it straight again. The good news is that now (pains notwithstanding) am nowhere near as hunched as I used to be. I may use some of it and employ some video effects and editing to minimise the worse parts. put still shots in and stuff. It did give me a bit of the shivers though. I also looked at the gig diarys from 2012 onwards. Many weeks were 3 gigs and some were 4. or more Incredibly busy. Even 2018 was much, much busier than I thought it was. I hope i can get my sea legs back again.

Evening all, mind how you go.

It’s still February and rehearsals continue with various musical ensembles and a few small scale live appearances scattered among them too. The sun’s been out a little more than usual for this time of year as well. I am also working on my solo material too. Nothing much else to report.
Fingers crossed we keep plodding along doing what we can. February is always hard work mentally for me. One foot in front of the other and easy does it.

Here is a new song for you. A rock tune and fairly straight forward one for a change.

I feel really tired today.I am not sure why. I think without realising it consciously much of what I do requires concentration, say when I am recording studio stuff. Maybe my brain gets more of a workout than I give it credit for at times? I must admit at present looking back on my Delta Ladies days as if it was a golden age, it was good but not so good that nothing more can be achieved. I loved playing live but I could do it in my sleep before. Now I am learning new stuff week in and week out. Its going OK but I do get a bit worried about cocking it up. Especially as everybody seems to think I am way better at it than I really am Yes, the nostalgia filter has a lot too answer for. Also, try as I might I feel I can’t be the same age as my contemporary’s until the aches and pains set in, but at that point I really know it. As I write this is is one of those days unfortunately. Odd but today as I write this a bit of anxiety has kicked in out of the blue. It does sneak up on you. Usually when you think you are doing ok.

Yes, it does. there is no escaping it.
This why beer and hobbits were invented/discovered.

It’s ok. Though things are not so bad at the moment I have at times very dark negative thoughts that must be managed somehow. When I feel like this I expect the universe to hand out some weird punishment aimed especially at me because I failed to do some good thing or was unkind in the past. These thoughts wash over me at times. Then they go away. This is my normal mental landscape and climate that I live my life in.

Funny thing re music. I never had any notions of a career, not even a minor one as I came to the party so late (48 years old). But I have done a bit and had fun.

Out again briefly today. I do seem much better with:
a) People and regular company
b) getting out more

If I don’t go out I get anxious, then I get anxious about going out….

I feel its not depression in the sense I used to experience it previously. It’s more like exhaustion and as though I had used up all my mental energy. My instinct is that it is in apart some sort of long term post covid effect as it feels different.

At present I am just finding it more difficult to keep cheery at home. I have actually done a huge amount of recording stuff here during Lockdown and so forth. About 200 different songs and instrumentals over maybe 2 and a half years. I am sort of saturated a bit at present with it all. Imagine how many canvases that would be if one were a painter. A shed full of paintings. That’s why yesterday’s trip out to the shops was actually quite enjoyable. It’s just having too much of my own company I suspect. Its worse when one has been out a bit. Also winter short days send a signal to hibernate.

I have been feeling a bit morose today. Weird as I have had some good days recently, but thats me and how my life is basically. Push on through the bad sticky, days and enjoy the good ones.
Hard to believe I have been a Bedfordshire bumpkin for 5 years now too. Occasionally I do miss London but I haven’t been back to my old turf at all really. No further south than Enfield in fact.

I have been out and played live a few times last month which as given my spirits a bit of a lift.
Also I have entered a song writing competition (for geriatric crusty people) which is something I have never done before, or if I have I don’t remember it . You never know, I might win a gift voucher or something? A year’s supply of baked beans maybe….