I did make the journey down to Kent to see a friend I had lost contact with and have not seen for 8 years. I must admit to feeling awkward before I arrived and not entirely sure how it would go. But actually it was fun and I have renewed a connection and its nice because I don’t know many people really. A friend that knows a little bit of your history and will still put up with you is always a good thing. My friend is an ex-civil servant but in most ways we are very different, but we do have a great love of music though my friend does not play any instruments, but has recently started singing with a choir which is great.
I forget that time passes quickly and you don’t get it back.
I have a slightly difficult week or two, and been stuck in a very negative frame of mind which has made getting on with things and my temper is now very short. Everything seems to irritate me and I think in part its the change of season. My mood dips when the clocks go back or shortly after but this year it seems to have affected me much more than usual.
Perhaps its just the passing of time but I do feel increasingly alienated, and I really can’t get with the modern notions of reasonable behaviour either.
Everybody seems to speak in cliched soundbites, and best of all if you disagree with someone in their interpretation of something then you may well be branded an idiot or stupid.
When I meet someone I try not to make often irrational assessments of who they are in terms of their knowledge, education wealth and so on. But now apparently we can be easily judged as we carry a brand like a pair of trainers.
O Brave New World that has such bankers in it to paraphase….
I am going to try a few things to get myself back into the swing of things as I am feeling a bit isolated and my self-esteem has been nose diving recently, with confidence just fading away, as i have not ever really had much of that at the best of times. I do find it very difficult to talk to people unless I have prepare for it in some way first so small talk is just hard for me. I do like company but can be a bit hard work for other people.
At the last couple of gigs I have found it difficult to cope with getting all the gear set up as there seems to be so much stuff now, and particularly in smaller venues there are often problems trying to get the balance right, whilst trying to avoid banshee howls breaking plus unfortunately a lot of musicians have zero idea of how sound actually works even at the most basic level. Normally it bounces of me like water off the proverbial duck but on the last few occasions I have found it a bit of a strain.
It’s been difficult not to lose the plot.
I am doing some re-arranging of the flat to make everything a little more comfortable and workable as I don’t think that making a move out of london at this point is quite the right thing and I need to sort the place out anyway before getting any chance of selling it. There is quite a lot of relatively minor stuff that needs sorting which I can cope with if I go about it sensibly in a systematic way. A few prized but slightly pointless items will have to go I think. I am a bit of a hoarder one way and another though which is not ideal. I suppose we take comfort in the familiar, but there are are a lot of things I am simply never going to use again.
One must be ruthless indeed. One reason to change things is to be able to get on with my personal music projects and other related stuff.
I need to build confidence and ones living environment can obviously affect mood quite considerably.
Enough for now I think.
The nature of things that interest me does tend towards introspection.Most folks involved in the arts(performing and otherwise) do seem to have IMHO a deeper interest in the way the world and society work and perhaps that is likely to make one dwell on the darker matters in life.
November is always a bit of a downer for me as I tend to associate it with my Father dying and his death was unexpected, painful and it was only shortly before that we had started to have any sort of resolution and begun talking again.
December has not been much different, but I have come to a conclusion that I have been focusing on the wrong things and really its now time to take a few positive steps, even though I do run the risk of falling flat on my face, so finally phase 1 of plan B. So full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes.