{"id":5961,"date":"2015-02-27T13:41:17","date_gmt":"2015-02-27T13:41:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/?p=5961"},"modified":"2021-01-13T10:41:48","modified_gmt":"2021-01-13T10:41:48","slug":"can-you-give-a-child-too-much-praise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2015\/02\/27\/can-you-give-a-child-too-much-praise\/","title":{"rendered":"Can you give a child too much praise?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Interesting. My father was fairly scathing of anything I attempted to do. Certainly \u00a0at no point can I recall him ever giving me any encouragement in anything<\/strong>: I do wonder if \u00a0thats the reason why I tend not to be ever satisfied with anything that I do. I tend to look for faults. A bit of a pat on the back occasionally might have helped. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\n

\"PoweredThis article titled “Can you give a child too much praise?” was written by Tim Lott, for The Guardian on Friday 27th February 2015 13.30 UTC<\/a><\/p>\n

My children are perfect. All four of them. Perfect and beautiful and clever. I bet yours are, too. Except, of course, they are not. In reality, my children and yours are likely to be reasonably average in terms of looks, behaviour, intelligence and charm. That\u2019s why it is called average. Your belief in your child being special is more probably a biological imperative than an empirical fact.<\/p>\n

A loved one, particularly a loved child, is edited as we observe them. Other people\u2019s children are bratty; ours are spirited. Theirs are precocious; ours confident and self-assertive.<\/p>\n

This is all natural and even touching when not taken too far. However, it is one thing feeding this propaganda to ourselves but feeding it to our children may be a little less desirable. We have the idea that \u2013 unlike my parents\u2019 generation \u2013 we should build our children\u2019s self-esteem as high as we can. Therefore, their random scribble is up there with Picasso, their C-minus is an unfortunate oversight on the part of the teacher, the fact that no one wants to be friends with them is because they are particularly clever or sensitive, the wart on their nose is a beauty spot.<\/p>\n

Children see through this kind of thing very quickly and discount their parents\u2019 compliments as a matter of course. As they grow up, they sense that the wider world judges them differently. This leads to a \u2013 hopefully gentle \u2013 cynicism about anything their parents tell them about their achievements. Perhaps that is OK \u2013 but I\u2019m not sure it is good for them to have the currency of parental praise so devalued.<\/p>\n

If parents were a little harsher sometimes, this could have two positive effects \u2013 first, when a compliment came, it would be more likely to be believed and, second, it would fit in rather more accurately with the picture of reality that the child is forming in their heads.<\/p>\n

A lot of pressure is put on children who are told they are beautiful, special and perfect. Because then, where is there to go? Only downwards. They become hyperaware of their status in your eyes, and a danger must be that they fear failing you. To be overpraised by your parents is the counter side of being criticised all the time. Both can have negative consequences.<\/p>\n

It is important to give your children the liberty to be flawed \u2013 to know that it\u2019s OK to be imperfect, and that, in fact, we often love people for their flaws \u2013 perfect people (whom we can only imagine, as they do not exist) are easy to respect, but hard to love.<\/p>\n

Now I am nearly 60, my main insight is that I am much less special than I once believed. This knowledge has actually been helpful in leading a more well-balanced life. I\u2019d call it humility, if it weren\u2019t very un-humble to attribute myself with the quality.<\/p>\n

I certainly wouldn\u2019t like to go back to attitudes that my parents, particularly my father, held, that to praise the child was to \u201cspoil them\u201d or make them bigheaded. However, the history of families is like the history of everything else \u2013 the story of overreactions. We praise our children to the skies, partly because we think it makes them feel good, but also because it makes us feel good. And perhaps it is more the latter than the former.<\/p>\n

Having said all this, I am a terrible overpraiser, because I adore my children. I\u2019m sure they have learned to take everything with a pinch of salt, but excessive love can be as big a burden as a shortage of it. My advice, at least to myself, is to ration not splurge. Then every compliment will count, rather than amounting to little more than a vaguely pleasing \u2013 but finally inauthentic \u2013 background Muzak, so persistent it isn\u2019t even noticed.<\/p>\n

\u2022 @timlottwriter<\/a><\/p>\n

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010<\/p>\n

Published via the Guardian News Feed<\/a> plugin<\/a> for WordPress.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My father thought praising a child would spoil them. I don\u2019t agree, but if you do it too often, they will fear failing you<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3],"tags":[59,144,143,146,119,69,142,66,53,145,141],"class_list":["post-5961","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-musings","tag-article","tag-children","tag-family","tag-family-features","tag-features","tag-life-and-style","tag-parents-and-parenting","tag-society","tag-the-guardian","tag-tim-lott","tag-tim-lotts-family-column"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6NRDR-1y9","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":6470,"url":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2015\/03\/13\/gong-founder-daevid-allen-has-died-aged-77\/","url_meta":{"origin":5961,"position":0},"title":"Gong founder Daevid Allen has died, aged 77","author":"diana Stone","date":"March 13, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Legendary eccentric had announced he only had six months to live in February","rel":"","context":"In "Musings"","block_context":{"text":"Musings","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/category\/musings\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Powered by Guardian.co.uk","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/image.guardian.co.uk\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2010\/03\/01\/poweredbyguardianBLACK.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":13806,"url":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2015\/07\/03\/camila-batmanghelidjh-surprised-troubled-kids-with-love\/","url_meta":{"origin":5961,"position":1},"title":"Camila Batmanghelidjh surprised troubled kids with love","author":"diana Stone","date":"July 3, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"The Kids Company founder has her detractors. Sadly, we need her gospel of empathy more than ever","rel":"","context":"In "Musings"","block_context":{"text":"Musings","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/category\/musings\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Powered by Guardian.co.uk","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/image.guardian.co.uk\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2010\/03\/01\/poweredbyguardianBLACK.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3408,"url":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2014\/04\/13\/personal-independence-payments-are-a-punishment-of-the-poor-and-ill\/","url_meta":{"origin":5961,"position":2},"title":"Personal independence payments are a punishment of the poor and ill","author":"diana Stone","date":"April 13, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"PIP should be a national scandal: Iain Duncan Smith's new system already has a huge backlog and people are dying waiting","rel":"","context":"In "Musings"","block_context":{"text":"Musings","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/category\/musings\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Powered by Guardian.co.uk","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/image.guardian.co.uk\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2010\/03\/01\/poweredbyguardianBLACK.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":41855,"url":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2016\/05\/18\/mindfulness-therapy-for-mental-health-problems-its-more-useful-than-drugs\/","url_meta":{"origin":5961,"position":3},"title":"Mindfulness therapy for mental health problems? ‘It’s more useful than drugs’","author":"diana Stone","date":"May 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"New research has raised hope for using mindfulness in treating mental ill-health. We asked readers about their experiences and had a mixed response","rel":"","context":"In "Musings"","block_context":{"text":"Musings","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/category\/musings\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Powered by Guardian.co.uk","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/image.guardian.co.uk\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2010\/03\/01\/poweredbyguardianBLACK.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6609,"url":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2015\/03\/16\/uk-must-spend-more-on-the-vulnerable\/","url_meta":{"origin":5961,"position":4},"title":"UK must spend more on the vulnerable","author":"diana Stone","date":"March 16, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Letters: Early help for families will save millions of children from suffering needless trauma and save money in the long run","rel":"","context":"In "Musings"","block_context":{"text":"Musings","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/category\/musings\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Powered by Guardian.co.uk","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/image.guardian.co.uk\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2010\/03\/01\/poweredbyguardianBLACK.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":134283,"url":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/2019\/01\/01\/doctor-who-resolution-review-old-foes-and-brexit-gags-in-spectacular-satire\/","url_meta":{"origin":5961,"position":5},"title":"Doctor Who: Resolution review \u2013 old foes and Brexit gags in spectacular satire","author":"diana Stone","date":"January 1, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"The classy New Year\u2019s Day special gave us a generous helping of the Doctor we wish were world leader \u2013 and it will have to tide us over until 2020","rel":"","context":"In "Musings"","block_context":{"text":"Musings","link":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/category\/musings\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Powered by Guardian.co.uk","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/image.guardian.co.uk\/sys-images\/Guardian\/Pix\/pictures\/2010\/03\/01\/poweredbyguardianBLACK.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5961","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5961"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5961\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5961"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5961"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/glass-cage.com\/dianas_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5961"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}