I am feeling a few wobbles this week. Its funny how one can feel confidant on Monday and a quivering wreck by Wednesday.
I always have ongoing music writing and recording projects. So even on the worst days I do something. I practice\/play more or less every day. I am now in contact with more people which helps push me along a bit and apart from that I use every possible technique to keep going mental health wise, but some days are just weird and scary. Days when you can feel your body working and it’s a sensory overload.
my latest tune:
I feel at the moment I am perhaps not actually stalled but rather temporarily parked and taking to time to study the map before going full bore towards the next destination. I know where I want to get to but the best route is not obvious to me right now. I still cannot grasp at a fundamental level that my material needs at least are met. Oddly that may be part of the problem physiologically, as one feels much more risk averse having reached a relatively comfortable space?
Its strange. I feel almost like I need to reboot everything in my life. I am depressed, there’s no doubt about that. I am sure this will make no sense what so ever, but although I have been banging on about gigs and stuff I have got so frustrated with it that another side of me is whispering in my ear to give it up again. My heads a bit messed up. I must just try to not subconsciously sabotage myself. I could do that very easily I think. That’s the hidden thing that people that dont have mental health issues don’t see. Alison try’s to be supportive when I am low, but she can’t really help much with it. My life is not bad in most respects. A bit like being a lazy teenager with no responsibility in some regards. I dont have the confidence to launch myself upon the world that many do. I am not a hammer down the door shouting let me in type. 50% of me wants to be out strutting my stuff and the other 50% wants to lock myself away and hide at present and it sort of hurts.
I expect I will be Ok enough psychologically long term. I get these times and they usually pass. Curious thing but as I mentioned Ralph suggested I should stop striving as it were. He was wrong on one level but right on another. A more Mr McCaburesque attitude to life would be better. Something does seem to turn up more often than expected. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I also have a song lyric from Steve the drummer in Gypsy that I will try and work up into a song. I have a tune and chords for it but I need to find a suitable style\/setting for it. It needs to be a folkie\/hippy vibe with perhaps a sprinkling of early Bolan as in Tyrannosaurus Rex when it was a duo with loads of bongos, dejembies vibe mixed in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I also recently looked at a couple of pictures of my dad when he was in his late 50s. His face was really gaunt. I guess that is what a lifetime of smoking does. He did reduce his smoking from 60 a day to about 20 in the end. I seem to take after my grandmas side of the family more. Just a little bit plumper. My dad never had a belly. But although I am slim I have done for years. Weird init.
I am mildly depressed. I do have projects of course. I have been stressed due to pretty much running out of money last year. Ok that is correcting itself now of course. Everything used to be a challenge, finding ways to get by. Getting a few bob extra in here and there. Now in a sense it doesn’t matter if I get out of bed or not. It’s a maybe a phase I am going through. Maybe I still have a few more connections I need to make. It’s more a matter of not giving in and plodding on? only ever really brought things I needed. Perhaps due to circumstances in the main. I have never been obsessed with stuff. I do need to sell a few things though really that I don’t use. Studio gear mostly thats duplicated or outmoded. But inertia takes over and it doesn’t happen.
Its not impossible that stuff might get used in future though of course?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a dream that I had a “real” baby grand piano in the lounge. But also in the same dream I had been sacked from a band for being past it. It’s all my insecurities come home to roost. I feel like all the really good stuff is just turning in “fireside memories” I remember when you could play 3 paid gigs every week. “Yes, Granny. Drink your tea and take your anti psychosis pills” My insecurity is that the boat really has left without me now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n