Played a Gig at the “Man of Kent” in Rochester last
\nnight. Good fun in an old school pub that has
\nregular good quality music (so quite why we were
\nthere god knows ) and a reasonable number of folks
\nin attendance. Audiences are fascinating to watch,
\nespecially when they are a looking a tad mystified
\nat times. Not the most lively of gigs but OK.<\/p>\n
The journey there was really dire due to a
\ncombination of things including accidents on the
\nNorth Circular and god knows what. So I took the QE2
\nBridge at Dartford. Result as we though we were
\ngoing to be very late but just sailed across. It
\nseems better without the tool booths. I dare say
\nthat we were lucky that the traffic had cleared but
\nit sort of saved the day.<\/p>\n
It lifted my mood for a while,(always does when I am
\nactually playing) but I have hit a low again. I am
\nfeeling quite irritated and frustrated again, so
\ntoday I have been keeping a low profile. Got a new
\nslightly better quality Violin Bow delivered today,
\nso tried that out and was very pleased with the
\nresults. Amazing that it only takes 2 days from
\nordering it for it to be delivered from Germany<\/p>\n
2)<\/p>\n
Went along to a tuesday night session in the bar at
\nCecil Sharpe House and did a tune.<\/p>\n
No electricity involved. It felt quite intimidating
\nat first and when I arrived I was a bit cautious as
\nto how we would be received. We did our Delta Ladies
\nversion of House of the rising sun and it was very
\nwell received. Had a chat with a few people just
\nbefore leaving, a very friendly bunch it would seem.
\nWe will go again.<\/p>\n
3)<\/p>\n
Lots of minor irritations at the moment with
\neverything.<\/p>\n
The weekend went reasonably well with two gigs, one
\nat the Star Inn Bentworth that was OK but rather low
\nkey and a storming one in Engineers Henlow. But
\napart from that everything else is really pissing me
\noff.<\/p>\n
The Change in temperature on Saturday laid me low a
\nbit with back pain and everything else pain too. I
\nnormally wear a lot of layers on gigs so that I can
\nmake sure I don’t get cold, as any drop in
\ntemperature tends to make me feel like I am covered
\nin bruises, for want of a better description. I was
\nin a very cold draught which is unusual as pubs tend
\nto get too hot usually but they had the back door
\nopen as they were serving food for a Birthday party,
\nso by the time I had noticed it was getting cold it
\nwas too late.<\/p>\n
Sunday I got out of bed very late, and my mood
\nimproved a bit fortunately. I worked on a song I am
\nrecording which now needs mixing.
\nIt was slightly hard work as I had written down a
\nvocal line which the Violin should weave in and out
\nof but I couldn’t get the tone or phrasing quite
\nright, though eventually I cracked it.<\/p>\n
It an odd thing but its possible to get the notes
\nright and for it to sound wrong and vice versa<\/p>\n
Went to bed at 2.30 am after watching TV and playing
\na bit of Piano.<\/p>\n
This morning my mood has hit the bottom again
\nthough…<\/p>\n
Last night went to bed a bit earlier about 02.00 am.
\nGot a few more musical sketches written down to use,
\nthat might be interesting.<\/p>\n
Did a little bit more practice coding and database
\nstuff just to keep my hand in and it helps block
\nintrusive thoughts. Programing is a bit like riding
\na bike, you think you have forgotten it all but it
\ncomes back as soon as you start.<\/p>\n
Doubtful that I will be doing anything of that
\nnature anytime soon, but if an odd job pops up then
\nI am not too rusty<\/p>\n
Aches and pains are receding, doing lots of
\nstretching and stuff. I have a list of fairly
\nimportant things that I must start getting on with,
\nthat seems to be quite a common thing among folks
\nhere.
\nOur washing machine started leaking. Its old, but we
\nhave maintenance cover and a guy fixed and it only
\ntook 30 minutes.<\/p>\n
The End<\/p>\n
A fairly quiet weekend with just one gig in deepest
\nShepperton. A bit of panic as the road we normally
\nuse was shut and we managed to get slightly lost,
\nbut it was received well enough.<\/p>\n
I have started attempting to play the accordion
\nagain, with reasonable results. I am not attempting
\nanything too sophisticated, just basic stuff
\nknocking out fairly simple tunes or accompaniments.
\nI have however decided that it is for me personally
\na sitting down instrument, as that means my back can
\njust about deal with it.<\/p>\n
It sounds rather nice with Vicky’s newly acquired 5
\nstring banjo (which Vicky seems to be on very good
\nterms with musically) and of course also works
\nwithout the need for electricity. It could be
\nimportant as we will at some point be playing some
\ncompletely unplugged gigs. We are hoping to
\nintroduce some of this stuff at a few floor spots
\nbetween our normal gigs. We ran though some stuff
\nyesterday which didn’t sound to bad at all
\nconsidering.<\/p>\n
I do still feel quite low, and its been difficulty
\nto get any enthusiasm for much. Normally the longer
\ndays do give me a bit of a boost so perhaps that
\nwill help.<\/p>\n
I just make a list of things that need doing and
\nthen mostly don’t bother to do them I do practice
\n(including sight reading which I still suck at on
\nthe whole) . I even attempt to write the odd piece
\nof music too.<\/p>\n
Also I have running through some programming stuff
\njust as a form of mental exercise crossed with
\nrevision (mostly database stuff) just in case I get
\nan odd IT job coming in.<\/p>\n
What I do miss is the rhythm of the work place but
\nnot the tedium. I am also becoming more reclusive by
\nthe minute and experiencing a certain amount of
\nanxiety most times I go out to do anything now.<\/p>\n
Thats not healthy, so with great reluctance I think
\nI shall have to visit the doctors and see if theres
\nanything useful that they can do?<\/p>\n
I really don’t want more anti-depressants though.<\/p>\n
Yep its still February out there. I have really had
\nproblems with the cold this year, and the fact that
\nthe temperature has gone up a smidge is a very
\nwelcome relief. Business otherwise is much as usual.
\nStill trying to come up with a cunning plan but so
\nfar failing miserably.<\/p>\n
The SAD lamp seems to be not so useful as I though
\nit would be. It certainly stimulates me but seems to
\nactually be making me more irritable. Still it was
\nworth a try and it maybe that I have not quite got
\nthe dosage right. A very short burst each day may be
\nenough so I have cut down and will see how that
\ngoes.<\/p>\n
I am still trying to find a way to make a few
\ndollars more, but so far its not going to well.
\nA lot of the unskilled stuff I used to do is not in
\nmuch demand and I can’t do much in the way of
\nlifting now. I can’t really do a full time job and
\nstill keep the music going. I used to be quite a
\nwizz with php sql asp unix mca scrip and even the
\ndreaded VB and so forth(I still keep my hand in),
\nbut I can’t work long periods at a keyboard anymore
\neither.<\/p>\n
I do get job offers but they are full time and
\nfrankly that’s not going to work even if I were to
\npack in the music, assuming they would have me with
\nout heavyweight commercial experience for the last 6
\nyears or so and also being the age that I am.<\/p>\n
Another huge problem I have days when I am
\nrelatively normal mentally but they alternate with
\ntimes when I am pretty much out of it. A couple of
\ndays a week is manageable, but anything more really
\ndoesn’t work. So between the mental problems and the
\nmuscle and joint issues I seem to be a bit stuffed.<\/p>\n
It is causing me some strain as I can just about
\nkeep my head above water but not much more than
\nthat. the thought of things going on long term in
\nthe same way is a bit hard going as I am beginning
\nto feel quite useless. That combined with a real
\nloss of confidence in the last few months has not
\nhelped at all. The area that I live in has very
\nlittle that you can do at low or cost, so I am
\nthrown back on to my own resources quite a bit.<\/p>\n
its really wearing me down now…<\/p>\n
My 58th birthday passed without to much in the way
\nof incident. With a half decent gig as one third of
\nthe Delta Ladies at the halfway house in barnes the
\nnight before, so that was alright. I seem to be
\ndoing less and less recently and I am a little
\nperturbed as it feels like someone has hit my off
\nswitch and i can’t quite get going again. Last year
\nat this time I was playing a lot of very big and
\npossibly indulgent piano stuff. I can’t seem to get
\nmy head around writing lyrics anymore and maybe I
\nhave simply just run out of ideas. Perhaps one only
\nhas a limited amount of ideas and once they are used
\nup thats your lot sunshine.<\/p>\n
For a Birthday present I got a SAD lamp as yet
\nanother tool in the ongoing battle against
\ndepression. It seems to have had some effect as I
\nhave got a bit more energy and the ability to
\nconcentrate for more than a millisecond. So maybe
\nthere is some hope left for me. I do spend a lot of
\ntime playing the piano, but I really don’t feel
\ninspired at all.<\/p>\n
I made a list of all the skills I had accumulated
\nsince leaving School, as apart from learning to read
\nI didn’t really pick too much in the way of formal
\neducation. Currently I spend a lot of time on the
\nold internet thingy, I do read a lot of political
\nblogs now. Funny thing but I never took much
\ninterest in Politics when I was a Civil Servant.
\nWeird that. But hey I didn’t say I was any sort of
\nintellectual I am worried about the way things seem
\nto be going. I come from what used to be called a
\nworking class background, and I didn’t really know
\nwhat was going on around me most of the time. In
\nfact I was pretty gormless. Often I wake up in the
\nmorning and think WTF did I do that. The interesting
\nthing is that I never felt that it was any of my
\nbusiness to judge other people. I didn’t really
\nunderstand the 80’s and somebody I worked with tried
\nto explain things to me. The message which I missed
\nat the time was stop being a mug, but enlightenment
\ndid not arrive soon enough to save me. I have often
\nchosen to believe what people tell me, but this also
\nhas not been a brilliant strategy. I have been very
\nnaive, and people have taken advantage. Being prone
\nto depression and having had some fairly long
\nepisodes you don’t always feel you can fight back. A
\nconsequence of this is that you don’t tend to stand
\nup for you rights too much or eventually something
\npushes you over the edge and you go for the throat.
\nFun.<\/p>\n
Now I see, and I don’t like what I see at all. You
\nfloat through life in a dream, and whoosh its gone
\nand you wake up just in time to see how far wrong
\nyou have actually gone. Today I am feeling vaguely
\nparanoid with a side order of useless. I am watching
\nTV and I have not been out of the front door for two
\ndays. Thats not good really, but London only works
\nif you have the resources to enjoy it. I am an
\nintrovert, but a lonely introvert gathers no moss or
\nquite often friends either. I don’t like ring people
\non the phone as I think that they won’t want to hear
\nfrom me, but I also can talk to much and that may
\nwell piss people off. Or folks think your being
\naloof because you can’t do small talk too well.<\/p>\n
2014 review of my year.
\nPosted 26th December 2014 at 06:35 pm by Diana
\nIt was the best of times, the worst of times, hang
\non a minute. How about ?<\/p>\n
Long ago and far away in a distant galaxy a rebel
\narmy fights against…<\/p>\n
No thats not it, so maybe<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a
\ngood morning whether I want it or not; or that you
\nfeel good this morning; or that it is a morning to
\nbe good on?\u201d<\/p>\n
Nope, I think I will try starting this one again.<\/p>\n
OK, then. Mostly it was a lot like the year before
\nwith a couple of notable exceptions which were:<\/p>\n
My partner taking early retirement (18 months early)
\nwhich has taken a fair amount of adjustment as we
\ndon’t have a lot of personal space. We have not
\nactually killed each other yet so you could say its
\ngone fairly well, though its still a few days to
\nNYE.<\/p>\n
Also my musical co-conspirator and Delta Lady Vicky
\nMartin had a triple by-pass op in June which seems
\nto have worked out fairly well so far though we had
\nto curtail our mutual musical activity’s for 7 weeks
\nor so, and forgo our planned trip to France to play
\na few gigs.<\/p>\n
Other than that I have mostly been concerning myself
\nwith music related study (which is starting to bare
\nfruit) and writing a few odd tunes, some possibly
\nvery odd. As I am self-taught, there have been a few
\nthings that have remained a bit of a mystery to me
\nbut having a better understanding of the nuts and
\nbolts that make it all up makes a lot of difference
\nonce it sinks in to your subconscious.<\/p>\n
There has been a certain amount of introspection
\ntoo. Most of my difficulty’s seem top stem from the
\nfact that I am an introvert and in social situations
\noften find things difficult. I have never really
\nbeen good at small talk and don’t seem to have the
\nsame innate responses which often leads to
\nconsiderable awkwardness. This also means that I
\nfind it hard, (often very hard to say no to people).
\nAll of this has had the effect of massively reducing
\nmy confidence in some areas, but there are things I
\nneed to accomplish that really mean addressing those
\nissues now. There is no reason why I should have
\nanymore success with this in 2015, other than the
\nfact that I will be starting afresh with some
\nmatters. In my case success would really be some
\nvery small victory’s indeed, but would make a big
\ndifference to the way that I think and feel about
\nmyself. I have tried so many different roads to try
\nand sort the problem out., I do suffer from
\ndepression but thats not really whats stop me from
\ndoing things although it sometimes makes it more
\ndifficult to start.<\/p>\n
I have pushed through a lot of barriers over the
\nyears but the problems I am left with are the most
\nintractable and if not addressed will continue to
\nmake life more difficult for me than it needs to be
\nand cause unnecessary anxiety. Now I am fed up with
\ntrying to work around these issues or compensate in
\nother ways , and making a lot of effort for
\nrelatively little reward as all I am doing is
\nfinding more an more elaborate ways of avoidance.<\/p>\n
So perhaps this is really a now or never moment,
\nabout choosing to limit my life because of my
\nanxiety or taking a punt that may leave me no better
\noff and feeling worse about myself than ever.<\/p>\n
Hope you all have a good new year.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Played a Gig at the “Man of Kent” in Rochester last night. Good fun in an old school pub that has regular good quality music (so quite why we were there god knows ) and a reasonable number of folks in attendance. Audiences are fascinating to watch, especially when they are a looking a tad … Continue reading Notes to myself from the last few Months<\/span>